Babies, Books & Balance: My Journey to Mommyhood: Trying to conceive

I was talking to a lady (@NurturedChild) on Twitter a few months back and she suggested that writing my 'Birth Story' would be a good way to deal with the emotional angst I had towards the experience. I have been thinking about doing so ever since but I couldn't figure out where to start. Then I realized I needed to start at the beginning so here we are.

February 14, 2009.

We had been discussing our plans to have children but hadn't decided to start trying yet. My husband (D) returned home from work with a bouquet of flowers and the card said "Lets make a baby". Conveniently my last pill had been taken that morning and so I just didn't open another package. We were officially trying and I was hopefully going to get pregnant very soon!

I knew that it could take awhile and wasn't expecting it to happen right away but to our surprise it DID. I got pregnant on the first cycle. We found out on St. Patrick's Day and D made me green eggs and ham to celebrate. Life was racing at a whirlwind pace and all of a sudden our plans were kicked into high gear. We were super excited; it just didn't seem real.

Then two days later, everything came crashing down around us. I was having a miscarriage. We went to the hospital. They did an exam and told me what I already knew and didn't want to believe. I was losing the baby I'd only had for a couple of days. There was nothing we could do but wait. They ordered blood tests to ensure the HCG was decreasing as it should and sent me to my Dr for the rest of my care. I was poked in the arm three times that week and examined again by my doctor. More than anything I felt humiliated at the invasion of my body and for nothing! There would be no reward at the end of this torture.

Less than a week later, after the worst 'menstrual' cramps I've ever had, I began to feel an odd pinch on my left side. I returned to the hospital because I couldn't get into the Dr on such short notice. They examined me again. I was told that they weren't sure what it was but that they weren't too concerned. I had an ultrasound scheduled for the next day as a precaution to ensure my body had expelled everything it should have so they told me to keep that appointment and see my Dr if I had any further issues.

When you go to the ultrasound after a miscarriage, you have to drink all the water and dance around like you're going to explode as you would if you were pregnant. The only difference is they don't let you see the screen. There's nothing there to see. The nice lady actually did two different kinds of ultra sounds. The normal one you see on the movies, and an internal one which helps them see things a bit better when they are looking at nothing. And by nothing I mean an empty womb. Not sure why they make you go through the pain of a full bladder when you don't need that for the internal ultrasound which gives them more of what they need to see but hey, I'm not a professional. Let the humiliation and invasions continue! I was told to wait while the analyst checked the images.

When the lady returned she scared the ever loving snot out of me and told me to go straight to my doctor's office. Do not pass GO do not collect $200 just get your butt over to the Dr. NOW!! I went. I was told that she couldn't see me for another 2 hours could I come back then. Sure, I only have a job I've been away from all morning already and I am still recovering from the heart attack at the ultrasound but hey no worries! I returned in a couple hours to find out that she was sending me to a gynecologist. Apparently I had a cyst on my ovary and it was pretty big (big enough I could feel it moving around and "pinching") so I might have to have it removed and it could be pretty dangerous if it was to get any bigger.

A couple days later I was in the gynecologists office with my pants down AGAIN - have you been counting? That's 5 times in a week and a half roughly? He told me what I already knew. I had a cyst. It was big. It would likely NOT go away on it's own but there was a medication I could try to reduce it, otherwise I would have to have surgery.

Awesome. So when exactly am I going to be able to get past this and get on with creating my baby? A baby who will stick around this time? OH that's right, nobody will give me a straight answer! The Dr says right away if we want to. The Gynecologist says no way for at least 3 months but he'd rather see us go 6 and even goes so far as to try to scare me by telling me horror stories of women and multiple miscarriages because they don't wait. Well thanks cuz I wasn't already scared that might happen!

I left the gynecologist feeling like he didn't really care about ME. Like I was just a case squished into a busy day of cases. Just another thing to do. I felt like he really just wanted to schedule the surgery so he could stop wasting his time with me. When I got home with my prescription, the one that's supposed to help the cyst go away, I read the pamphlet that came with it as I always do. WARNING: Do not get pregnant for at least 3 months after taking this medication, severe birth defects could occur. I then felt like he was trying to sabotage me and my baby making choices.

So I did what I always do in these circumstances. I researched. I read everything I could on cysts and the kind I had (Corpus Luteum) and learned that it is a natural part of your cycle. This cyst develops in order to nourish the egg until after it implants and the placenta is developed. OK so that part didn't happen for me because I lost the baby. My body is just confused! It has a baby, it doesn't have a baby, it's just lost. So I made a choice. I chose not to take the pills. I chose to let my body figure things out on its own and heal itself.

When I went back to the gynecologist for my follow up a month later he read me the riot act when I told him I hadn't taken them. He was actually MAD at me. I might've gotten upset or worried but I knew something he didn't. I couldn't feel that cyst anymore. He did another ultrasound and confirmed what I already knew in my heart. The cyst was gone. Completely. He lost his smug attitude right quick and wished me the best of luck as I left his office and I've never looked back.

It took 8 months in total to conceive a "sticky bean" in which time I met some amazing women through the What to Expect When You're Expecting website. It's an great place where you can ask questions and talk to other women who've been through loss, trying to conceive and everything else to do with becoming a mommy (or a daddy, they have a section for the men too).

Through everything D was there with me, holding my metaphorical hand. We tend to deal with things separately (something I wish we could change) and that might be why I talk about 'me' and 'my baby' also because this is from my perspective and I don't speak for him. We were both really excited though, when we found out we had another bun in the oven.

My husband can be a real sweetheart when he wants to be. This is the bouquet he had delivered to me at work (we hadn't told anybody yet haha OOPS) when we heard the good news the second time around. The card is a "Congratulations on your baby" card and it says "Just a Little Something".