My Journey to Mommyhood: PregnancyThis is where things went down hill for me emotionally. I was pregnant. The biggest life changing thing I had ever gone through and nobody seemed to 'get' how huge this was for me. I felt alone both in a physical sense, as D and I had moved away from our home years ago to start a life together, and emotionally. I'm good at hiding things though so I don't think anybody really knew how I felt.
Going into this in the first place was hard for me. I've never been that girl who would simply DIE if I never had a baby in my arms, but after a conversation with D before the wedding I knew he wanted kids, and if I wasn't prepared to do that then we were not as well matched as he'd thought. I decided I did want to have kids with him but I still had my reservations. My baby brother is 10 years younger than me and my mom unfortunately went through a lot with postpartum and other health issues, which sort of left me in the position of growing up really fast. He was also a bit of a high needs baby, suffering from colic and just needed a lot of attention. I had a lot of the responsibilities and while I don't begrudge it now, I certainly did then, and it really did turn me off of having kids for a very long time. So being pregnant was really terrifying for me!
What if I make the same mistakes I made when I was growing up with my brother (I realize I was a child but still)? What if I can't handle it? What if I have a breakdown too? What if I hate being a mom as much as I hated being a sister in those moments when he would only sleep if you held him and the only time he wasn't screaming was when he was asleep? I was haunted by these thoughts and more the entire time I carried my baby inside me. I felt like a horrible mother before I even got a chance to start and I didn't want to admit any of this to anybody for fear that they would tell me I was right! So I did what I do best. I bottled it up and kept on swimmin' (in the famous words of Dory).
The first trimester went off without a hitch. We heard the heartbeat for the first time on December 16, 2009. It was amazing and D's eyes lit up when he heard it. Even so he still made jokes about it not being real and I still felt myself doubting the pregnancy myself. We were planning a trip home for Christmas but I was sad that our families wouldn't see my tummy in person because I hadn't "popped" yet. On our way home we were able to pick up a huge haul of supplies. My aunt had passed along all the baby things she had left over and it was almost everything we would need! Financially, I don't think we could have done this without those things and I can't ever thank her enough.
Speaking of financial things. D decided that as well as redoing the room for the baby, we should completely overhaul the kitchen while we were at it. It took over a month of listening to him try to convince me that it was a good idea to just jump into a kitchen renovation before I finally got through to him that it was not feasible to expect to finish it before the baby came, AND do the baby's room, AND pay for it all. This was a HUGE stress to me but it seemed like no matter how much I cried and told him I couldn't handle the stress, he still wanted to do it. I was utterly exhausted by the end of these negotiations; and so began my second trimester.
I decided it was time to tell everybody else that didn't already know. Everybody was excited for us. Everybody except one. The one person in my life who I knew was going to be a problem, one of the reasons I had kept it a secret until I knew for sure I wouldn't be wasting the phone call. Somebody who is supposed to be fundamental in a young girls life was more distant to me than my next door neighbor. Unfortunately, after about 20 minutes of crying, shouting, anger, and the worst anxiety attack I've ever had, I knew that my baby would not have this person in their life. I was hurt. I was angry. But, it was and still is completely out of my control though, so I had to just move on.
On February 9, 2010 we got to see our baby for the first time. I really thought that it would show up dark and empty but when she put the wand to my tummy and a little body popped up on the screen I burst into happy tears. The past months fearing that D was right and I was making it all up had gotten to me. I was relieved and happy and in awe of this perfect little babe inside me. Besides being a bit 'dramatic' this little one didn't want us to know what it was and had it's bottom wedged into my pelvis so far that the lady had to push around to get proper measurements.
Here's our little babe pulling the "Oh woes ME" hand over head move.
Honestly I know I have nothing to complain about. There are so many women that I know that have lost their children in the womb, at birth, within the first year, and even later. I'm so lucky to have my little family now and I know that. I'm lucky I wasn't stuck in a bed for any of my pregnancy or have to change my diet for gestational diabetes or any number of other complications that could arise.
So why do I look back and cringe? Because I felt utterly alone. As I said before, family lives far away, D began to distance himself and friends are few here in our new home. We made plans for our mothers to come for the birth but as it got closer it was clearly impossible for either of them to actually make it in time to support me through labor. D wanted to be "the one" in the room with me and I wanted that too, I just didn't think he was up for the task. He's a tough guy, but I knew seeing me in that position would be hard for him and it was (we'll get to that later) & I think that's why he would joke about me faking the pregnancy and about my inability to do things like touch my toes. He would tell me I was being a wussy if I was too tired or sore to do something. No I was not the receiver of back rubs, foot rubs, or ice cream when I had an urge. Nothing really changed in the way he treated me and while I think I understand now it was because he didn't want to see me as frail or breakable, I didn't get it then and it hurt! Like I wasn't special enough to be treated the way women in the movies are treated when they're pregnant, like what I was going through didn't warrant recognition.
I wanted somebody in the room that would treat me that way. I approached him with the ideal of getting a Doula. He was hurt and offended that I didn't believe in him. I didn't want him to think that, I just wanted him to have backup so I wasn't left hanging if he needed to take a break (something I wasn't going to have the luxury of). I canceled our appointment to meet with her and went back to wishing my mother's schedule would change and maybe we could somehow 'know' what day this babe would arrive so she could be there with me. I was stressed, anxious, lonely and I was about to have a baby.
And so we enter into the final days and my birth story. I just want to thank you all for reading. You aren't commenting so I don't know who you are but you've inspired me to continue through this process of healing which I thought about giving up after the first post! So thank you!
Continue the story: My Journey to Mommyhood: The Birth
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