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Saturday, January 28, 2012

A blue day under a white blanket

I'm having one of those days. You know the kind. You wake up with every intention of filling every minute of the day with productive awesomeness.

You pour your coffee, sit down, take that first glorious sip and suddenly all inspiration flies out the window.

I fought the urge to glue myself to the couch and I accomplished some chores. We've been snowed in so my plans to go out disappeared with the colour outside. Decided to kick the snow in the face and go out anyways. We bundled up & took the sled out to play in the snow. Even cleared off the car so we could go out after nap time.

Thought I was winning the battle of the blues and then I looked outside at my cleared off car to see that it was completely covered again and we hadn't even made it TO nap time never mind after!

Everything went downhill from there & I've had zero motivation to do anything since.

Why is that? I mean how does that happen? I have a huge list of things to do. Projects, hobbies, chores you name it and yet I don't want to do any of it. Well, that's not true, I DO want to I just can't bring myself to start.

It makes no sense. I hope tomorrow is better.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Being a mommy is challenging. So many new obstacles to navigate each day always changing and evolving. This road gets more difficult when doing it solo; virtually impossible when mommy gets sick.

I've been sick recently. A lot as it would seem. Probably a product of being a working mom with a son in daycare. Or maybe it's because I'm taking on too much with this solo parenting Mommy Warrior situation.

I probably should've listened to my co-workers and taken a sick day earlier in the week. Perhaps if I had I would've rested & would be better by now. Hard to say for certain but I suspect that's true.

I didn't take the sick day because I'm stubborn & wanted to prove that I was okay. More importantly I simply couldn't reconcile how chasing my energetic toddler all day would be of any benefit to me. I would genuinely get more rest sitting at my desk.

I guess the biggest question here is why on earth would I assume that taking a sick day would equate to chasing my little boy who would normally be in daycare? I have two words for you. Mommy Guilt.

That's right I work a full time job & I still have mommy guilt over leaving him anywhere unnecessarily. I'm really not sure why. Nobody in my life has ever tried to make me feel that way. Quite the opposite actually.

When my daycare offered me a day off today I almost said no. Then my brain kicked in & I used what little energy I had left after getting CBear fed to get him there and home again. Then I proceeded to not waste my 'get well' time with chores and glued myself to the couch for mandatory rest time.

The truth of it is that he had WAY more fun playing with his friends than he would have if he'd been stuck with me all day. And in case I wasn't sure of that before I picked him up; he proved it by pitching a huge screaming kicking fit when I showed up because he didn't want to leave.

We proceeded to have a lovely evening of snuggles and a real cooked meal which I haven't had the energy for all week.

So going forward I'm pitching mommy guilt out the window. We both had a great day. Sure I missed him while my mind wasn't consumed with work & I waited anxiously for the moment I could go get him. I also enjoyed the first day in his entire 18 months where I didn't have to do anything but rest.

Monday, January 9, 2012

It is the small things

Today was full of those beautiful moments that may be small to others but meant the world to me.

My husband is working out of town right now which makes 'connecting' a bit difficult. We try to talk on the phone & online as often as we can but it's not the same. This morning he sent me the most beautiful sunrise via text. It wasn't just that it was pretty but that he thought of me when he saw it, that he wanted to share it with me.

Somebody I'm not 'close' with on a personal level took the time to ask me how I was doing with this new living situation, and offered their ear should I need it. This person surprised me with their caring & compassion.

My son showered me with snuggles, kisses & hugs from the time we got home to when I put him to bed.

The small things can fill a heart. Today I feel loved.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Mothers Are Warriors

Since becoming a mother 18 months ago I've realized that I'm stronger & more durable than I could have ever imagined.

Women are often put in the position of not only caring for the basic needs of their children, but also organizing and managing an entire household. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, planning, groceries, everything. When things blow up around us as life so often does we pick up the pieces for all our people not just ourselves.

Today was one of 'those' days. After an average day at work I left early to go pick CBear up from daycare and begin our awesome mommy/son weekend together. (Daddy works out of town now & just left this week to return to work)

I arrived just as he was waking from his nap. His eyes were crusty & puffy so I packed him up and took him off to the walk-in clinic.

We arrived at about 4 and were told it would be half an hour. I knew he would be hungry so we walked to the store to find a snack & a bottle of water before attempting to sit in the waiting room forever. It was well after 5 when we finally saw a Dr who checked his ears & scribbled a prescription in less than 2 minutes.

So back to the store/pharmacy we go to get the prescription. We are now told it will be another half hour for them to prepare it.

By this time my back teeth are floating so I ask if there's a washroom I can use. I'm sent off to some back room door they have to buzz me through. On the other side of the door I find a dimly lit (with black light??) hallway and a door marked Men/Women. I proceed to open the door while clinging to my child who's slipping off my hip, my purse, a box of animal crackers, and a bottle of water. Who would've thought there'd be a man sitting there staring back at me!

Back out we go because I don't want to pee in there after THAT anyways so I decide to hold it. We have a seat & I begin the 'entertain the toddler so he doesn't scream his face off in public' game all over again. Only this time I'm dealing with a less than co-operative toddler.

Then my world goes into self destruct mode and explodes. Mr "I poop in public without locking the door" comes out of the bathroom and is also waiting for a prescription. Naturally. My adorable toddler caused me to have to converse with this man. For twenty minutes!

Finally we were able to get the drops and run! We stopped to pick up dinner because it was about 6 by this time & thus too late for me to cook.

Then I had to be the evil mommy who pins him down & puts weird foamy stuff in his eyes.

Today was not kind to me. It was downright evil to my poor sweet boy. We survived though. The two of us are quite the team!

So now that he's in bed and I've lived up to my warrior duties I just have one question. Can I cry now?


CBear is 18 months today! I can't believe a year and a half has passed since he came into this world!

He's officially a toddler today. Despite the fact that he's been walking since about 10 months I've still thought of him as a baby.

He talks now. We have real conversations where he answers questions and statements in appropriate ways. He solves problems and plays correctly with toys that are technically beyond his age. He loves to help with anything and everything. He amazes me in every way on a daily basis.

Watching him grow has got to be the single most awesome thing I've ever experienced!

Happy 18 months Sweet Boy!! Mommy loves you!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Starting Fresh

Happy new year to you! Time has been passing & I haven't been writing. I've allowed life to get in my way. Again. This has to stop so here I am.

Confession time!

I've struggled with the idea of being a writer. I struggle just thinking of myself in that sense because I feel like that's something other people do. Like some special club I never got a ticket to get into.

I have realized recently that this is a silly idea. One that probably prevents a lot of people from doing a lot of things that make them happy. So I've decided to tell the fear to STUFF IT! I AM a writer!

I'm not making any crazy promises to write a set number of days a week or any goals other than to make an effort to write. Not every post has to be amazing right? If I keep waiting until the great idea sparks I'll never write again. So now I'll write anything & everything because I love to do it not because I want you to love reading it.

Welcome to the new year everybody. Let's start enjoying it together & do the things that makes us happy even if they give us the fear.
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