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Sunday, December 30, 2012


I've been making excuses. Mostly to myself since most don't know about my 'book' and don't ask, but maybe those are the worst kind? I mean if you can't be honest with yourself...

I tell myself I don't have time. I do. I probably don't have 'enough' time to devote to writing but if I don't spend any time then it won't ever happen right?

I tell myself nobody cares & won't read it. That's not true either. I have people that have read it & want to read more. I have people behind me saying 'Go for it'. But most of all? I care! I want this story out of my head. I want to know that I can do it!

I tell myself I have other obligations to people. I have promised knitting projects, I have unfinished cross stitches and books I want to read! I really think these people wouldn't be too overly upset if they didn't get their projects because I was writing and the writing won't last forever. These things can wait.

There's other things like storyline blocks I can't get through. Not having a place to myself where I can think for more than five minutes without somebody needing me etc.

I read this quote this morning though and it really spoke to me.

“A writer who waits for ideal conditions under which to work will die without putting a word on paper.” E.B. White

I need to make this work somehow. I want 2013 to be the year that this story escapes my head. I need this to happen and I will find a way to make it so. One page at a time.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Another Year Gone

What an amazing year it's been too! So much growth and change and moving towards the future! Not all was good but most was and even the not so great was still necessary to get us to where we are today!

We had a fantastic Christmas together. It could only have been better if we had been able to be with our families back home but we certainly made the most of it.

Cbear has started a new daycare and he is doing really well in the group setting! I can't wait to see how the learning and development aspect improves his speech and communication! He's already started using more words just in the past two days! And his teachers are already commenting on how independent and willing to do things for himself he is. They're quite impressed with how well he's adapting!

So as we spend a lazy Saturday reflecting on the last year I find myself ready and willing to face the new year to come. Not because this year needs to end but because I'm excited to see what the future brings us!

Come on 2013! Bring on the awesome!!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

What's Up with Cbearsmamma

So I'm back, and the purpose for that is to share with you what I've been going through. What else IS the point of blogging anyways? My intent is to share what I know now, and what I learn as I go through this process I'm in and hopefully come out the other end having helped somebody as I help myself deal with everything by getting it out.

For the last 6 months or so I've been actively seeking a diagnosis for whatever is causing my body to be so very tired and so very much in pain. It's quite the process trying to pinpoint such an obscure thing let me tell you! The first step for me was realizing that what was going on with me was not normal and it IS chronic. Meaning that I have pain and fatigue daily. Every day. A good day is when it doesn't bother me ALL day.

One of the questions the dr's ask when you seek information on such things is "When did it start?". Well, let me see, I want to say in my teens, but I can't qualify my shoulder and back pain then as necessarily having anything to do with what I'm going through now. I mean, in this world of high stress and anxiety that's a fairly common issue. Skip ahead to when I started having episodes of my back going out on a somewhat regular basis and we've at least got me into my twenties, but again this ailment could be attributed to any number of things and not necessarily linked to my current situation. Skip ahead again, still dealing with shoulder, neck, back pain etc now enter headaches, and joint pain in my knees and hips. At this point those aches and pains are in all those places above as well as my feet, hands, elbows, you name it and it hurts. So although I'm almost positive this has been gradually getting worse since my late teens I told the doctors that it has been at least 5 years.

Five plus years of nearly constant pain and fatigue. I'm 31 years old. I should not be having these kinds of issues. I feel like I'm talking about an 80 year old person when I describe how I feel. It's completely ridiculous!

In any event, the first thing to do was run my blood work. We've done this several times over the years and not had any results so I was somewhat deflated but knew that was the natural starting point and was determined to not let it be the end of the line. This time something came up though. My iron levels were too high and my doctor was concerned about something called hemochromatosis . It's a disease where your body stores iron instead of using it and it can be very dangerous as well as cause every single one of my symptoms. However, after some further testing my Dr decided that my saturation levels were within a normal range and that I should definitely stop taking iron supplements but that I did not actually have the disease. I'm not personally ready to rule that one out just yet. Too many puzzle pieces fall into place with that one, and I will continue to request that those levels be checked in any further blood analysis that I undergo.

After hitting that wall, we had the conversation about how similar my symptoms are to my mother. My mom was diagnosed years ago with fibromyalgia. My Dr thinks it is quite possible and has referred me to a specialist (a rheumatologist) who should be able to help either diagnose it or come up with some other idea of what it might be. I waited a few months to get into his office of course and once there he asked many of the same questions and did a brief physical exam. He told me that I do show signs of having a chronic pain disorder and wanted me to go back for more blood work just to rule out a few more possibilities before moving on to whatever the next step might be. I have gone for the testing but won't know my results till I see him again in January.

At this point I have no idea what will happen or not. I'm trying to live as healthy as I can and deal in the best ways I know how. Taking advantage of medical coverage to utilize massage and chiro and hoping to try acupuncture as well. I will try anything if it might help. I'm almost willing to completely alter my diet and if you know me at all then you know that's HUGE as I may be the world's fussiest eater.

So that's what is going on with me. In future posts I would really like to share what I'm dealing with on a day to day basis as a full time working mother as I battle through and continue to LIVE because as much as I'd like to curl up in bed all day and never move some days, I wouldn't dream of missing this awesome life that I have! Whatever this is is going to have to figure out that it will be in the backseat for the rest of it's time with me and that's all there is to it!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Back from a Break

Well hello again!

I'm back! I have a bunch of posts in my head bursting out so I should be around for awhile!

It's been a very busy few months (or more? I've lost track now) and I will try my best to catch you up to speed.

The toddler garden was almost completely a fail. I simply didn't have time to tend to it. Our peas grew well & we enjoyed lots of fresh peas off the vine. The zucchini just died off & never made it past the plant stage which is shocking when you consider how it flourished in the house. The beans never took at all & the strawberries & blueberries did not produce anything of mention but they do seem to still be alive so there's that. I likely won't be so foolish to attempt so much next year.

Aside from that we've been potty training & learning language & trying to not go insane with all the raging toddler meltdowns. Basic parenting stuff really.

I was recently able to take a weekend trip to see Sir Paul McCartney in concert and my boys stayed home for a father / son weekend which has changed the dynamic in our home for the better. I think we all appreciate each other much more than before.

So now on with Christmas & all the busy craziness that goes along with being festive! Thanks for waiting for me to come back (like you were counting the minutes right?) and hopefully I won't be gone so long again any time soon!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Baby To Big Kid

Wow. My little boy is TWO! I can't believe it. No more trying to count the months in my head while simultaneously trying to decide if he person asking cares or if 'almost two' would suffice.

CBear has had quite a few milestones to go with his big day. He got his 2 year molars (all but 1). He started drinking from regular water bottles & big kid cups. And last night we changed his carseat from rear facing to forward facing as he's now big enough to do so (per our specific seat).

As some of you know we recently took a road trip back home to visit family & friends for Cbears birthday. It was really special to celebrate his day with some of those closest to us because we weren't able to for his first birthday.

Surprisingly the biggest question we got while visiting was not 'when will you turn his carseat around' but 'when are you going to start potty training'!! Now maybe this isn't surprising but it surprised me because I always thought kids typically begin between 2 & 3 and boys are usually later than girls so it wasn't even on my radar. Or HIS! He's shown almost no interest up to now and I refuse to push him as I'm sure that will only serve to cause a battle.

What he HAS been interested in is flushing the toilet. That's the fun part right? So I've been trying I explain that if he pees like a big boy then he can flush. So far he hasn't taken the bait & prefers to run in fast as lightening to do it before I catch him. Until the night before last.

He tried to flush, I told him no, then he began speaking wildly in his baby jibberish which could only be deciphered as a request to try to pee! So we sat there for a bit with nothing happening, then D needed to use the washroom so we let CBear see how it's done & then he excitedly tried again. Nothing happened that night but ya know? Sometimes, no matter how much you want to, ya just don't have to go!

I went about life thinking that was an isolated incident not to be repeated for months. Then this morning happened.

We were of course just dressed & ready to put our shoes on for work/daycare. Then he did it. He asked, out of nowhere, if he could sit on the toilet. I seriously wanted to just say no & get going. My mind raced with images of running late & having to strip him down to let him 'try' & I cringed. In the end I knew it was better to encourage it though so off came his pants and diaper, onto the toilet he went. We waited. We talked. He was excited. I wasn't. Then we heard it. A toot echoed thru the bowl & his eyes lit up like he knew he'd done something amazing!

When he finally decided he was done after no pee and just a toot I wiped him, just in case, and found nothing so we re-diapered and pantsed and went on with our day.

I was proud of him for the effort. I mean, he went from zero interest to asking for it in a matter of days! So what if nothing happened yet. It will eventually & then we will celebrate.

Or so I thought! When we got home this evening I thought my teeth were going to drown I had to pee so bad. When I lifted the lid I remembered I hadn't flushed after he was on there this morning because he hadn't actually done anything. Except that he had! That toot was actually a nugget escaping! He pooped on the toilet really really for real!! I was so excited I almost forgot why I'd gone in there! Almost.

So there you have it. My baby is not a baby anymore. He's right on his way to being a big kid! He gets to see the world in the car, he's learned how to spit after brushing teeth (almost in the sink & not on himself haha) and he's going to graduate to a big boy bed very soon!

Hold me.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Project Toddler Garden 2012: Ready to plant

Well thanks to the hard work of my awesome husband the garden is ready to go!

I was able to go out and pull the left over weeds while the boy napped. It was a different way to spend Sunday afternoon but it was peaceful. Despite the little friend that popped out at me - I deserve credit for not screaming! Gold stars and cookies wouldn't be turned away either.

We've made a plan and drawn it out. Most of it can't go in yet as the last frost hasn't happened, but I plan to get the peas and onions in by the weekend at least. Ideally I would do them after work but with it being busy this week we'll have to see.

I think the beans and zucchini will have to go in early and hope for the best because they're growing like weeds already! I almost want to get the blueberries and strawberries in early too they are doing so well I think they could handle it.

I'm ridiculously excited about this project considering I used to hate it as a kid! It's amazing how seeing something through the eyes of a child can change your mind.
Outgrowing their current space already - need to get them in the ground
Here we are all ready to go!
This guy crawled out of the ground and up my glove! I didn't scream - where's my prize?
This is our garden 'map'

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Project Toddler Garden 2012

I may be slightly crazy in taking on this project. I'm a girly girl. I hate dirt, bugs, and I burn like a lobster in 20 mins without SPF 100. Generally I'm a fan of the indoors. However, I had a little boy and boys like all these things. Also, they shouldn't be deprived of learning the joys of things they could love because their mothers are whimpy girly girls.

So I decided it would be a good idea to clean up and finally USE the garden in our backyard. We moved here 5 years ago and haven't done anything with it yet. What better reason or excuse is there than an active nearly 2yr old who needs to get fresh air and play in dirt?

My husband is currently working on a bazillion projects around the house but he's been gracious enough to put them on hold for me and my crazy plan. The garden is huge and has previously been used as a dumping ground of sorts. I required his strength and energy to remove the cement pads and overgrowth.

Today is day one of major garden work. He's moved the cement pads and cleaned up the overgrowth. As I write this he's out there using the rototiller to mix the new soil into the old, prepping it for me to weed and plant.

I'm so grateful. This isn't what he'd planned for the day but in my excitement I jumped the gun on plant purchases and indoor seedling planting. We need it ready soon! Hopefully we will have luck with the weather too because it's still early in the year for planting.

CBear and I went to help with the general cleanup this morning. It was just as I'd hoped. He loved running around trying to hold the big shovel like Daddy, putting rocks in the wheelbarrow, eating dirt and just being a boy. Daddy even found a worm to show CBear who promptly put that nasty thing in his mouth! Naturally I stood there squealing and trying not to barf. <---Girly Girl!

You can look forward to updates about our gardening adventure - I'll need to share the creepy crawlers I find!

Garden before we did anything to it
Two Blueberry plants (CBear's favorite in the whole world) and one Strawberry
Closest half is zucchini and the farther half is red beans

Friday, April 27, 2012

My Worst Nightmare Brought To Life

Today something so terrifying that I haven't fully processed it yet happened. It didn't happen to a friend of a friend in some far away place. It was my son, my heart, my world and it was in my own backyard.

It was like any other day. We arrived at home and CBear wanted to play outside. We put our things in the house and went to the back yard. He decided he wanted to ride in the snow sled after having dragged it around so I took the rope and pulled him around the yard. I made it around once before I was silently cursing my husband for having left it out and made my way to the garden chairs to sit and catch my breath.

At this point CBear began wandering looking for things of interest. I will be honest, I don't watch him like a hawk when he does this. I usually have my phone with me & I use this time to check Twitter etc. He's a boy he doesn't want to play with his toys he wants to investigate and check out all the stuff he's not allowed to have. I really try not to micro-manage this time of discovery for him; it's important he be able to do it in his own way. I still check him constantly, don't get me wrong, he's a BOY he will destroy things in 2 seconds flat and eat a ton of dirt or rocks if I let him!

So there I sat, phone in hand, waiting for a telltale sound, or lack thereof to indicate I should pay attention. I glanced up to see him bent down. He appeared to be looking at something really close to the ground. Initially this didn't concern me. Then my brain started working...

CBear's head was down, his bum was up, his arms were at his sides not on the ground where they should be. As the fog lifted I realized he was near a tarp my husband had left out, on our sled ride I'd noticed some water pooled on the other side, maybe there was some on this side as well.

Even in that moment that I realized what he was doing, it only occurred to me that he was probably trying to drink it. He does this with the bath water all the time so I still wasn't worried as I got up and made my way to him. It wasn't far. I didn't rush. I was merely going to scold him for drinking nasty dirty water!

As I got closer, CBear got his footing and was able to stand up. I reached him at that same moment. I'll never forget the wet bubbly sound of that first gasping breath he took. It was then that I realized what had happened.

My son, with his not yet 2yr old toddler legs had bent over to check out the dirt in the pool of water. His young body is still not balanced in weight to his head and he was pulled forward. I imagine the cold water hitting his face probably caused him to gasp in shock. That could have been it right there. Many children wouldn't have been able to find their footing, or stabilize themselves to get back out of the water. CBear did. And if he hadn't I was there. I would've pulled him from the water and saved him. I can't let myself think of what might've been had I not looked up at just that moment.

This all happened in seconds. It felt like minutes, hours even. In reality I'd be surprised if somebody told me it had even been a whole minute.

He cried, more out of fear than anything, I held him and tired to stay calm. No sense in scaring him further. I kissed him, told him it was ok, dried the water dripping from his face. You'd never know, seeing us then, that anything so terrifyingly close to his drowning had happened.

So lesson learned. I hope you learn it from me and don't have to experience this yourself. Your child can drown in mere inches of water. If you have a pond, a pool, a river or creek near your home PLEASE take safety precautions to keep your little ones alive!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Monday Meditations

Life is not a reality TV show!

Have you noticed how people are obsessed with these shows? There's the singing ones & adventure ones truly there is no end to the things they'll make a show about these days.

It would seem that we spend so much time watching them that we have started to act like we're ON them.

Have you ever talked to somebody who starts to tell a story with a huge build up only to fall short with the actual point? Or the person who blows every little aspect of every day out of proportion?

I admit that I'm guilty of this myself. It got me thinking about WHY we do this. I think we'd all agree that those are the those most annoying aspects of our favorite shows. Why then do so many of us turn around and become melodramatic in our day to day lives?

I think we may be just as addicted to the false sense of importance this melodrama stimulates as we are to the shows we watch.

The problem is that this level of drama is not healthy. It promotes anxiety & a toxicity in the way we handle those around us.

So the next time I spill my coffee or trip over a toy or any of the other mundane things that happen to me in a day I promise to take breath & think before I speak. I vow to not tell stories with prolonged pauses & just get on with it! I will first ask myself 'who cares?' & if the answer is 'NOBODY' I will keep it to myself!

Here's to a little less drama & a lot more reality!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Hot Topics Tuesdays

I'm considering making this one of my blog 'things'.

Each week I'll choose a new Hot Topic to cover & I'll give my opinions on it. I love debates so let's bring on the discussions!

I have a few ideas I'd like to put out there but I'd love to hear yours as well so if you have a topic then let me know!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

A blue day under a white blanket

I'm having one of those days. You know the kind. You wake up with every intention of filling every minute of the day with productive awesomeness.

You pour your coffee, sit down, take that first glorious sip and suddenly all inspiration flies out the window.

I fought the urge to glue myself to the couch and I accomplished some chores. We've been snowed in so my plans to go out disappeared with the colour outside. Decided to kick the snow in the face and go out anyways. We bundled up & took the sled out to play in the snow. Even cleared off the car so we could go out after nap time.

Thought I was winning the battle of the blues and then I looked outside at my cleared off car to see that it was completely covered again and we hadn't even made it TO nap time never mind after!

Everything went downhill from there & I've had zero motivation to do anything since.

Why is that? I mean how does that happen? I have a huge list of things to do. Projects, hobbies, chores you name it and yet I don't want to do any of it. Well, that's not true, I DO want to I just can't bring myself to start.

It makes no sense. I hope tomorrow is better.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Being a mommy is challenging. So many new obstacles to navigate each day always changing and evolving. This road gets more difficult when doing it solo; virtually impossible when mommy gets sick.

I've been sick recently. A lot as it would seem. Probably a product of being a working mom with a son in daycare. Or maybe it's because I'm taking on too much with this solo parenting Mommy Warrior situation.

I probably should've listened to my co-workers and taken a sick day earlier in the week. Perhaps if I had I would've rested & would be better by now. Hard to say for certain but I suspect that's true.

I didn't take the sick day because I'm stubborn & wanted to prove that I was okay. More importantly I simply couldn't reconcile how chasing my energetic toddler all day would be of any benefit to me. I would genuinely get more rest sitting at my desk.

I guess the biggest question here is why on earth would I assume that taking a sick day would equate to chasing my little boy who would normally be in daycare? I have two words for you. Mommy Guilt.

That's right I work a full time job & I still have mommy guilt over leaving him anywhere unnecessarily. I'm really not sure why. Nobody in my life has ever tried to make me feel that way. Quite the opposite actually.

When my daycare offered me a day off today I almost said no. Then my brain kicked in & I used what little energy I had left after getting CBear fed to get him there and home again. Then I proceeded to not waste my 'get well' time with chores and glued myself to the couch for mandatory rest time.

The truth of it is that he had WAY more fun playing with his friends than he would have if he'd been stuck with me all day. And in case I wasn't sure of that before I picked him up; he proved it by pitching a huge screaming kicking fit when I showed up because he didn't want to leave.

We proceeded to have a lovely evening of snuggles and a real cooked meal which I haven't had the energy for all week.

So going forward I'm pitching mommy guilt out the window. We both had a great day. Sure I missed him while my mind wasn't consumed with work & I waited anxiously for the moment I could go get him. I also enjoyed the first day in his entire 18 months where I didn't have to do anything but rest.

Monday, January 9, 2012

It is the small things

Today was full of those beautiful moments that may be small to others but meant the world to me.

My husband is working out of town right now which makes 'connecting' a bit difficult. We try to talk on the phone & online as often as we can but it's not the same. This morning he sent me the most beautiful sunrise via text. It wasn't just that it was pretty but that he thought of me when he saw it, that he wanted to share it with me.

Somebody I'm not 'close' with on a personal level took the time to ask me how I was doing with this new living situation, and offered their ear should I need it. This person surprised me with their caring & compassion.

My son showered me with snuggles, kisses & hugs from the time we got home to when I put him to bed.

The small things can fill a heart. Today I feel loved.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Mothers Are Warriors

Since becoming a mother 18 months ago I've realized that I'm stronger & more durable than I could have ever imagined.

Women are often put in the position of not only caring for the basic needs of their children, but also organizing and managing an entire household. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, planning, groceries, everything. When things blow up around us as life so often does we pick up the pieces for all our people not just ourselves.

Today was one of 'those' days. After an average day at work I left early to go pick CBear up from daycare and begin our awesome mommy/son weekend together. (Daddy works out of town now & just left this week to return to work)

I arrived just as he was waking from his nap. His eyes were crusty & puffy so I packed him up and took him off to the walk-in clinic.

We arrived at about 4 and were told it would be half an hour. I knew he would be hungry so we walked to the store to find a snack & a bottle of water before attempting to sit in the waiting room forever. It was well after 5 when we finally saw a Dr who checked his ears & scribbled a prescription in less than 2 minutes.

So back to the store/pharmacy we go to get the prescription. We are now told it will be another half hour for them to prepare it.

By this time my back teeth are floating so I ask if there's a washroom I can use. I'm sent off to some back room door they have to buzz me through. On the other side of the door I find a dimly lit (with black light??) hallway and a door marked Men/Women. I proceed to open the door while clinging to my child who's slipping off my hip, my purse, a box of animal crackers, and a bottle of water. Who would've thought there'd be a man sitting there staring back at me!

Back out we go because I don't want to pee in there after THAT anyways so I decide to hold it. We have a seat & I begin the 'entertain the toddler so he doesn't scream his face off in public' game all over again. Only this time I'm dealing with a less than co-operative toddler.

Then my world goes into self destruct mode and explodes. Mr "I poop in public without locking the door" comes out of the bathroom and is also waiting for a prescription. Naturally. My adorable toddler caused me to have to converse with this man. For twenty minutes!

Finally we were able to get the drops and run! We stopped to pick up dinner because it was about 6 by this time & thus too late for me to cook.

Then I had to be the evil mommy who pins him down & puts weird foamy stuff in his eyes.

Today was not kind to me. It was downright evil to my poor sweet boy. We survived though. The two of us are quite the team!

So now that he's in bed and I've lived up to my warrior duties I just have one question. Can I cry now?


CBear is 18 months today! I can't believe a year and a half has passed since he came into this world!

He's officially a toddler today. Despite the fact that he's been walking since about 10 months I've still thought of him as a baby.

He talks now. We have real conversations where he answers questions and statements in appropriate ways. He solves problems and plays correctly with toys that are technically beyond his age. He loves to help with anything and everything. He amazes me in every way on a daily basis.

Watching him grow has got to be the single most awesome thing I've ever experienced!

Happy 18 months Sweet Boy!! Mommy loves you!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Starting Fresh

Happy new year to you! Time has been passing & I haven't been writing. I've allowed life to get in my way. Again. This has to stop so here I am.

Confession time!

I've struggled with the idea of being a writer. I struggle just thinking of myself in that sense because I feel like that's something other people do. Like some special club I never got a ticket to get into.

I have realized recently that this is a silly idea. One that probably prevents a lot of people from doing a lot of things that make them happy. So I've decided to tell the fear to STUFF IT! I AM a writer!

I'm not making any crazy promises to write a set number of days a week or any goals other than to make an effort to write. Not every post has to be amazing right? If I keep waiting until the great idea sparks I'll never write again. So now I'll write anything & everything because I love to do it not because I want you to love reading it.

Welcome to the new year everybody. Let's start enjoying it together & do the things that makes us happy even if they give us the fear.
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