My Journey to Mommyhood: So What's the Big Deal?

So what's the big deal? You had a BABY! Women do it everyday, why do you think your story is so special??

This is pretty much what I asked myself every day. For months. It was also the question I was afraid somebody was actually going to ask me. What on earth would I say? Well, I was in labor. It was hard. It hurt. My Dr was a jerk. I was alone (at least I felt that way, maybe it was the drugs). BIG DEAL! I had a baby, he was healthy, we both survived, I got to go home within two days - Happy story right? So why did I feel so WRONG about it all?

I figure there's three types of child baring women in this world.

1) The kind that drops their birth story at every chance like "Hey, nice to meet you I'm so-n-so, I was in labor for this long and it sucked this bad and blahblahblah" Nobody is listening at this point because they are in shock! This is called 'overshare' if this is you please stop now, everybody will appreciate it.

2) The kind that will wait for you to bring it up, but once you do (because you desperately need to get something off your chest) you can't get a word in edgewise and all you hear is "Oh yeah, that's bad but you should hear MY story". Thanks I was looking to hear your story. Again, if this is you, stop, it's okay to converse about it, but don't forget you have ears.

3) The kind that don't talk about it unless somebody asks them because asking would indicate some level of interest in the details, but they try to be all vague so you don't go into panic mode with all the ick factor that is childbirth.


I did NOT want to be #1 or #2 I knew that for sure! So #3 it was. Only, guess what? Nobody ASKS you "How was your labor" after you have a baby. They ask about the BABY when you have a baby! People who do ask "how everything went" don't want the details, they are just trying to make you feel like the world hasn't forgotten about you as they bask in the glory of your creation. I pretty much lived in fear of that 'overshare' moment when everybody feels uncomfortable, so I never went into details.

So I went about my life, caring for my baby, trying to survive the first months of breastfeeding and stay-at-home mommyhood. I pretty much went nuts several times and then I found TWITTER. Yes, that's right, I said Twitter! That place that everybody talks about nowadays and lots of people think is a waste of time. Well guess what fellow mommies! There are about a bajillion mommies on there just waiting for another mommy to talk to! All of a sudden I found people who not only were speaking my mommy language but could answer questions, and help me through those days when I felt like I couldn't take it anymore.

I thought I had hit the 'support' jackpot but little did I know the best was yet to come! I was introduced to @NurturedChild by one of my mommy friends. She is a Lactation Consultant and I was having some issues with breastfeeding at the time. She really helped me through that rough spot and things were great. Then one day she posted this:

Making peace with your #birth experience: http://tinyurl.com/3bupjh9 via @infantrisk

So I followed the link and read the blog. Before I was even halfway through it I found myself bawling my eyes out. I knew I was effected by how things went down bringing CBear into this world, but I honestly thought I was being a WUSS! I mean really, we are ALL here because some woman somewhere gave birth! We were all inside a uterus somewhere and had to get out somehow, it happens ALL the time!

I messaged @NurturedChild to thank her for making me realize I wasn't the only one that felt this way and we had a conversation in which she said this to me:

"It's OK to love your baby and hate the way they came into the world."

It was like getting a big squishy hug from my mom! Wow. Just wow. I read those words now and I still get all wishy washy. It IS okay. I mean, I was beating myself up because I couldn't look at him and regret having gone through it but at the very same time I DID regret it, I wished I could have got him any other way but that way - I mean, where is the damn stork when you need it?

So what was SO wrong about MY birth story? Well I could go into gory details about unexpected catheters and how they actually get the vacuum on the babies head but I'll spare you. If I think about it now, in my much less hormonally imbalanced brain, I can understand that it was just not how I thought it would be. Simple as that. Lots of things in life are not how we think they are going to be and it's little more than disappointing or frustrating. But the birth of your child is supposed to be the most amazing thing in your whole life! People use words like "Miraculous" and "Beautiful" but the first word that pops into my head is "horrific".

Emotionally I think I had the worst time trying to reconcile the intense love I had for my sweet boy and the fact that I thought of the experience of bringing him here as horrific. I mean, how do the two even belong in the same thought sequence. Love and horror don't mix. I felt like that somehow made me a bad mother for a long time and I really did get angry at the situation and myself for feeling the way I did.

The thing I needed to realize is that each labor in the history of mankind (and there's been a LOT of them) has been unique. No two labors are ever the same because each woman will experience it differently. Just because my experience wasn't great didn't mean I can't love the crap outta my little man!

And in the end? Loving that little man is ALL that matters!

My Journey to Mommyhood: I'm Here!!