Things I Never Thought I Would Say

Here is a funny list of things I never pictured myself saying when I became a mother. I'm sure as he gets older the things on the list will get funnier and more random. Here's a look at the first year:

1) Baby, my nose is not a nipple, there's no milk in there.

2) Don't eat the carpet.

3) Baby, Mommy loves you but if you don't stop pulling on my bellybutton skin, we can't be friends.
 (while nursing)

4) Don't pick the cat's nose.

5) Please don't eat the cat's fur.

6) That goes for biting the cat too. Don't bite the CAT. Or pick him up by the tail, he's bigger than you. BABY Leave the cat alone. *Thinking: Why won't the cat run away?*

7) Mommy's blush brush doesn't go in the....OH....okay it does go in the toilet. Lets not put things in the toilet.

8) Please stop biting the couch.

9) Did you just LICK me?.

10) Stop sniffing the cats but PLEASE!


Most of these are said on a daily basis...somebody save me?

I was inspired to write this post both by my mother (@mishframe) and a couple Mommas (@AdoTheMomalog & @DanaMacario) I met on Twitter who, at the same time my mother was harassing me to get writing, were creating a linkup with the very same topic! Check out 18 Years to Life for the rest of the "Did We Seriously Just Say That" posts.

Savings Saturday - Canadian Couponing

As you may have noticed I missed my regular Tuesday post on great deals. This is because the flyers come out before the weekend so I figured I would skip one and get it timed better so you can take advantage! There are some pretty good deals out there this week! This is what I found:

Shoppers Drug Mart:

Gillette Deoderant is on 2 for $5 - if you have the coupons for save a dollar or buy one get a body wash free this becomes an even BETTER deal so be sure to find those coupons! This deal is only for Sunday & Monday with the price becoming $2.99 after that.

Lysol Toilet Cleaners are also 2 for $5 and if you have the coupons for save $2 when you buy 2 that works out to $1.50 each!

Zellers:

This is my favorite place to stroll through looking for clearance items! I picked up All Bran bars for $1.50 a box yesterday and I usually find great deals on cereal there as well.

Water Babies is on for $5.99 which is a great deal on something we should all use in the hot summer sun!

Cascade 54 Pack Dishwasher tabs $9.99 which works out to .19c each and that is a great price but with your $1.50 coupon it becomes .16c each which is amazing.

Axe Deodorant is on for $4.99 (I'm almost positive I've seen it less at Walmart though just not this week) I had a coupon for $2 off so I decided to go for it anyways and let my husband try it out.

Corn Flakes 750g box on for $2.99!!! That is a fantastic price so I bought two - I already have a stash of other cereals and it's all I could carry at the time but I might go back for more!

Walmart:

Crest Toothpaste 130 ml is on for $1.47 which if you use any of the many coupons I see all the time you'll be spending very little for it.

Benadryl Itch Stick on for $5.47 - these are a necessity in my house and I already purchased mine for NINE dollars last week!! This is a great price!

Satin Care Shave Gel is on for $1.88 and I have a coupon for $1 off!

Little Swimmers are on 2 for $18 which is the best price I've seen (usually $9.99 on sale) plus I have a $2 coupon so I'll be grabbing those for sure.

The BEST deal I have seen is this - DIAPERS - I bought a package of Parent's Choice diapers last week so I could try them out. We use Huggies in this house but I'm not against saving some cash so when I saw that the Walmart brand was the same price regular as Huggies on sale I decided I should try them. They are very comparible and I'm making a switch - want to know why?

The absolute best price I can get Huggies for is .19 cents each and that is with a store membership card which is pretty pricy. The Parents Choice diapers are .19 cents each regular (smaller sizes than 4 get more diapers per case and are therefore less) but when they are ON SALE for $19.97 a case, like they are this week they drop down to .14 cents each!!!! AND I don't have to have a membership or pay cash like I do at the other place for the Huggies.

So there you have it. I still have not worked on my coupon binder but I'm hoping to maybe get it done in the next couple of days. So much to do around here getting ready to go back to work and all. Please forgive me!! Check back next Saturday for another Coupon/Savings post!

Photo Link up

I've decided to enter in this photo contest for the first time. I'm told it's not a photography challenge which is good because lets face it, a photographer I am NOT, but I DO love taking photos of my boy! So here it goes - My Top 5 Photo Favorites from April to June 2011

I just love the personality in this one

Just playing with the settings on my camera & of course he co-operated for some photo magic

You can't beat a genuine smile

My cat in all his napping glory

I just love how mischievous he is in this one

Okay those are my favorites for now. If you want to check out the link up and join in then click the button below!

Change is Great

We got some new clothes on!

I put out a request for help yesterday on Twitter and within minutes I had a website for free designs and an offer of help to install it! Thank you @NapTimeMomTog for all your help.

The website she sent me was Adori Graphics where you can get codes for blog templates FOR FREE! You can also hire them to do something brand new and spiffy for you if you want which is pretty cool as well! Check them out!!

Have to keep this short and sweet so there's the info - gotta run my boy is not happy with me for trying to do this while he's awake haha - Have a great Wednesday everybody!

My Journey to Mommyhood: I'm HERE!

This is where the journey makes a slight adjustment from "To" to "Through". With the birth of my wonderful son I'm now making my way through mommyhood. Wading through diapers, and breastfeeding, wakeful nights and everything else that happens with a baby. They are messy, loud, and incredibly draining but once you get past that you get the rewarding part. The part where a single smile melts your heart, and a baby giggle melts your soul.

This new adventure has been crazy hard for me, there's really NO preparing for it. You can't possibly know just how little sleep you can survive on, or how exhausted you can actually get, how mentally drained, or how emotional it will be just looking at your baby sleeping in your arms. But it wouldn't be much of a story if I didn't tell you how it was for me now would it?

1) Lack of Sleep:

I am a sleeper. I have always enjoyed sleep. I'm not a morning person, I hate being woken up and if I don't get 8 hours, I simply just don't function on my higher levels. I don't remember anybody warning me that the lack of sleep starts in pregnancy either! I remember lots of people saying "Sleep now while you can", like that's any help, but I do not remember anybody saying "hey, you like sleep, you maybe shouldn't have a kid cuz you aren't going to sleep through an entire night for at least a year". Would've been helpful but I probably wouldn't have listened anyways, I'm stubborn like that.

A very lucky few will end up with a baby who sleeps through the night right from the get go. I was one of these babies (told you I've always liked sleep) so I'm not sure how I deserved a kid that would wake every hour, but that's what I got. Actually at first he was pretty good. He would sleep 2-3 hours round the clock, he'd stay awake for short play times throughout the day but at night it was eat and right back to sleep. It wasn't till he was almost 5 months that the 2-3 hours became 1-2 hours (don't forget that's how long HE slept, but for me it was at least half an hour to get back to sleep each time he woke) which we almost didn't live through by the way. Then around 6 months he also decided he wanted to be awake for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night for no reason. I prayed that somebody would shoot me so I didn't have to keep getting up. I was a zombie if anything, barely living, not conscious, useless to anybody but my son and even then only the most basic needs were met. I begged for the 2-3 hour stretches to come back. Then it hit me one day that I hadn't slept well in easily 8 months with pregnancy added in and I just cried.

4 weeks old

I survived (barely) by keeping my eyes closed while he nursed his way back to blissful sleep, which seemed to trick my body into thinking it never woke up. I read all the time about women who get up and watch tv, or read or play on their iphones while they get their babies back to sleep, and I can't for the life of me fathom how they do it. I mean, in the early days I mastered the art of a blind diaper change just so I didn't have to turn on the light or really open my eyes! Some nights I would even bring him to bed with me, but I tried not to do this for fear of starting something that wouldn't end till he was nearing his teenage years. For the record, that won't happen, any habit can be broken with a little effort, I needn't have had so much guilt over it. When you are getting that little of sleep you take what you can get how you can get it!

2) Diapers

Nobody can prepare you for the number of diapers, or how messy they will be. They can't tell you what it's like to get peed on at 3am or how you'll burst into tears when the diaper explodes in your lap after a really really long night. The smells are indescribable, except that in the early stages it really just smells like microwave popcorn (your welcome, that stuff's no good for you anyways!).

My little guy would poop with every fart (shart) for the first 2 months. So we went through way more diapers than I could have ever imagined we would. This one time my mom was in town and convinced me that he should have diaper free time to help clear up some redness on his bum. I warned her that he tooted every 10-20 minutes and it was gonna spray but she insisted that it would be alright. Well, about 5 minutes later he gave a good ole shart right in her direction! Her mommy instincts are still in tact though so she covered him fast enough to not get a poop shower but it was pretty funny (only cuz it wasn't me).

3) Breastfeeding

Nobody can tell you what it will be like to have a baby suck on your nipple for any length of time every couple hours for months on end. You can't be fully prepared for the embarrassment of leaking in public the first time as the dark circle on your shirt grows so does the red in your cheeks. You can't know how it will feel to be engorged, have your boobs stretch to almost three sizes bigger than what you're used to, how hard they are when they are full, or how your nipple all but disappears at that point making it virtually impossible for babe to get a good latch. Nobody warns you what thrush looks or feels like so you can get it treated as soon as you suspect its presence. You can't know how drained you'll get, how hungry you'll be (worse than pregnancy) or how thirsty. I literally felt like he was draining my life force with every feeding.

Breastfeeding is a process, you just have to start, work with your baby and make adjustments every day to suit your needs at the time. It's not a set in stone sort of thing. You can't say "I'm going to breastfeed this many times a day for this long each time and I'm going to stop completely at this point". I've written about all of this already and you can click here if you are interested in reading further.

I really thought that we would breastfeed, it would be easy, my biggest problem would be feeling like a milk bag, and that we'd be done at 6 months unless he bit me. It wasn't easy. My biggest problem was undiagnosed thrush, which went on long enough to make me very very uncomfortable and almost quit several times. We didn't stop at 6 months because he refused to take formula. I mean flat out wouldn't eat, made nasty faces at it, screamed for hours, throwing the bottle further than those little arms should've had the strength to do, refused formula. He bit me more before he had teeth than he does now that he has them AND strangely enough I feel nothing when he nurses now, no pain, no discomfort, no teeth nothing. If you're struggling with breastfeeding, seek help, it DOES get better!

The Great Formula Hate-On of  2011

4) The Emotional Toll - Postpartum Depression

I thought I was prepared for this one the most! I was wrong. Even before the depression your emotions are ruled by your hormones which are so out of whack you can't control yourself and before you know it you're crying over everything from spilled milk to the look of your baby when he coos at you.

My mom, as I've said before, suffered from postpartum depression. This means that I have a higher risk of getting it. Well, I can tell you that I haven't been treated for it, but know I suffered through it. It's really a scary thing and I think there needs to be more out there to support women. I know that I had to fill out several forms at the doctor and the health nurses would ask me questions and when we went to get CBear's shots the first couple of times they check on you but if you don't seek the help it doesn't come to you. It's one of those things that people are ashamed of and don't talk about. It shouldn't be but it is so here's my honest look at Postpartum Depression.

I have been to hell and back several times now. Every time I reached a breaking point, I somehow managed to step over it and continue on. I can't tell you how many I've blown past one of these points or even how completely surprised I was that I survived each and every time. I remember saying on a few occasions that if something didn't 'give' I was going to the doctor by such and such a time.  Somehow, something 'gave' each time. I guess it must've been me that just became okay with whatever I deemed wrong at the time because I don't believe circumstances have changed much.

I remember holding CBear and crying, sobbing, for no reason other than I just didn't want to be me anymore in that moment. I remember getting angry at him for waking up AGAIN, or spitting up on me AGAIN, or pooping AGAIN (cuz you know, what else do babies do right?). I remember around 6-7 months I was exhausted and I couldn't take it anymore and I realized I understood why mothers lose it and hurt their babies. Can you believe that??? I didn't for a SECOND think about hurting my little man but for a moment I understood why others had done it, or how some women can walk out and never look back. In those moments I could feel it, the need to have a fair godmother that would twinkle her wand and take it all away. The only thing that ever brought me back was the fact that no matter what, I would never trade my boy for anything. I would look at him and know that I had to keep on swimming because he needed me and I love him more than there are words to say. 

How can you not want to spend your life with this guy?

I was lucky - I know this to be true and I appreciate God, or the Universe or whatever it was that got me through, because I was LUCKY. If you are suffering from depression and you are at the end of your rope PICK UP THE PHONE. Call your mother, your sister, your friend, your doctor ANYBODY that will HELP you. I should have and I didn't and things could have gotten a lot worse for me but I was lucky. I wasn't stronger, or better or smarter than you I was LUCKY. Get help. And after you've done that if you want somebody to talk to, pop me a message on here or find me on Twitter @Cbearsmamma anytime!

5) The Change in Relationships

I was prepared for a new element in my relationship with my husband but I wasn't prepared for how drastically it would change, or how my other relationships would change as well!

Friends that don't have kids might distance themselves - I didn't have this particular problem but I don't have a ton of friends where I live now. As I mentioned before, my husband and I moved pretty far away from 'home' to start our life together. Most of my friends here have kids and the ones that don't are people I work with so they're not going anywhere either. I have noticed that I don't have patience for the kinds of friend 'drama' that come up from time to time. I have far too much to focus on with my little man learning things and running around and sapping every ounce of energy from my body to worry about how my not calling may have hurt your feelings (not a real life example just something I heard recently from somebody else's life). That sucks I know but it is what it is right now.

Family is HUGE to me now. I've always felt really close to my family but now even more so. I somehow DO have the energy to make sure I send out pictures and answer emails and keep in contact with our families. I feel it's really important since we aren't around every day for them to watch CBear grow. I have a new appreciation for what our mother's went through and what they must feel now watching us start our own family. It gets me all wishy washy when I think about it.

The big doozy has been my relationship with my husband. It has definitely changed a LOT. Things that never used to bother me too much are now these HUGE cracks in the foundation that we've built our life on. They say that you realize these things when you get married. We've been together 12 years this year and married for 3, it was having a kid that made the cracks apparent more than anything. They say that more marriages end in the first year after having a baby. I can see how that would be true! There are so many things to stress about: Finances, Exhaustion, Who's on Baby Duty, Who's on Housework Detail. There are probably a bajillion more things than that too.

I'm the kind of person that worries about bills and money and I don't want to be in debt if I can help it. My husband doesn't care about debt, he knows the bills will be paid 'somehow' (maybe a magic elf I'm not aware of), and he wants to enjoy 'things' with the time he has here. "You can't take the money with you" is his way of describing this to me. My response is "You leave the ones you love saddled with your debt when you go".

I'm not the kind of girl that will ask for help or anything really. I feel like the help should just be mandatory and a request is therefore not necessary. My husband, on the other hand, well he doesn't do anything that isn't for himself unless he is asked to do it. Granted it's not always obvious what I need at any given moment and I'm well aware of the lack of mind reading capabilities (how cool would it be to be able to read the baby's mind??).

I feel like "Baby Duty" is a shared position and we should put in equal time doing the 'dirty' work. D feels like when he's not working he should be playing and I think maybe he thinks I do a better job than he does but I hesitate to put words in his mouth so we'll call that a guess. I have really probably added to this issue because I tend to like to have things done the way I do them. Silly me I know, take what you can get when you can right? Well I buggered that one up and apparently there's no going back! SO word to the wise, if your man is helping and he's not in danger of dropping the baby on it's head, SHUT UP, do NOT correct them, do not tell them how they can do it better, let them figure it out on their own!

I hate chores. I always have, I'm not a dirty person but I don't like cleaning. I would procrastinate until I turned into a Smurf if I thought it would help me find somebody else to do the cleaning. That being said I will do it, eventually. The problem here is that my husband has turned into a clutterbug over the years, and while he tends to keep it in one area, that area just grows and grows until I'm scared it will eat us in our sleep. He also figures he should do the outside and I do the inside. I've agreed to this in the past because he's a hell of a damn fine chef and he feeds me well, but the fact is I got the short end of the stick on that arrangement, and there have been no adjustments since the little Mr came into the world. It really is hard to get anything done when you're running around after a toddler that has one goal - Get into EVERYTHING. He only naps for a couple hours and I find that's just not enough time to clean and enjoy ME time (which I have to have or we end up with crazy Shelly as in #4). I don't anticipate this getting any better once I go back to work so I'm thinking these arguments aren't going to end anytime soon.

I honestly don't think it's one person's fault or the other. I think we are both to blame for the state we find ourselves in now. I DO think that it's a good thing we made it out of that 'marriage-ender' known as Baby's First Year. I also think it's going to take a lot of effort to repair the damage we've done to each other over the last year. Nobody could have prepared me for that.

So that's it, I'm a mommy. My life isn't glamorous. I'm just an exhausted shell of the woman I once was but I'm hoping with time I will be able to return to being me. I've enjoyed writing this series and getting words on paper once again. Who knows, maybe now that I've proven to myself I can do it, I'll keep blogging and maybe even get back to that book I started once upon a time. Baby steps though right?


Stay tuned for more exciting mommyhood stories as my son turns 1 and I venture back into the work force!

My Journey to Mommyhood: So What's the Big Deal?

So what's the big deal? You had a BABY! Women do it everyday, why do you think your story is so special??

This is pretty much what I asked myself every day. For months. It was also the question I was afraid somebody was actually going to ask me. What on earth would I say? Well, I was in labor. It was hard. It hurt. My Dr was a jerk. I was alone (at least I felt that way, maybe it was the drugs). BIG DEAL! I had a baby, he was healthy, we both survived, I got to go home within two days - Happy story right? So why did I feel so WRONG about it all?

I figure there's three types of child baring women in this world.

1) The kind that drops their birth story at every chance like "Hey, nice to meet you I'm so-n-so, I was in labor for this long and it sucked this bad and blahblahblah" Nobody is listening at this point because they are in shock! This is called 'overshare' if this is you please stop now, everybody will appreciate it.

2) The kind that will wait for you to bring it up, but once you do (because you desperately need to get something off your chest) you can't get a word in edgewise and all you hear is "Oh yeah, that's bad but you should hear MY story". Thanks I was looking to hear your story. Again, if this is you, stop, it's okay to converse about it, but don't forget you have ears.

3) The kind that don't talk about it unless somebody asks them because asking would indicate some level of interest in the details, but they try to be all vague so you don't go into panic mode with all the ick factor that is childbirth.


I did NOT want to be #1 or #2 I knew that for sure! So #3 it was. Only, guess what? Nobody ASKS you "How was your labor" after you have a baby. They ask about the BABY when you have a baby! People who do ask "how everything went" don't want the details, they are just trying to make you feel like the world hasn't forgotten about you as they bask in the glory of your creation. I pretty much lived in fear of that 'overshare' moment when everybody feels uncomfortable, so I never went into details.

So I went about my life, caring for my baby, trying to survive the first months of breastfeeding and stay-at-home mommyhood. I pretty much went nuts several times and then I found TWITTER. Yes, that's right, I said Twitter! That place that everybody talks about nowadays and lots of people think is a waste of time. Well guess what fellow mommies! There are about a bajillion mommies on there just waiting for another mommy to talk to! All of a sudden I found people who not only were speaking my mommy language but could answer questions, and help me through those days when I felt like I couldn't take it anymore.

I thought I had hit the 'support' jackpot but little did I know the best was yet to come! I was introduced to @NurturedChild by one of my mommy friends. She is a Lactation Consultant and I was having some issues with breastfeeding at the time. She really helped me through that rough spot and things were great. Then one day she posted this:

Making peace with your #birth experience: http://tinyurl.com/3bupjh9 via @infantrisk

So I followed the link and read the blog. Before I was even halfway through it I found myself bawling my eyes out. I knew I was effected by how things went down bringing CBear into this world, but I honestly thought I was being a WUSS! I mean really, we are ALL here because some woman somewhere gave birth! We were all inside a uterus somewhere and had to get out somehow, it happens ALL the time!

I messaged @NurturedChild to thank her for making me realize I wasn't the only one that felt this way and we had a conversation in which she said this to me:

"It's OK to love your baby and hate the way they came into the world."

It was like getting a big squishy hug from my mom! Wow. Just wow. I read those words now and I still get all wishy washy. It IS okay. I mean, I was beating myself up because I couldn't look at him and regret having gone through it but at the very same time I DID regret it, I wished I could have got him any other way but that way - I mean, where is the damn stork when you need it?

So what was SO wrong about MY birth story? Well I could go into gory details about unexpected catheters and how they actually get the vacuum on the babies head but I'll spare you. If I think about it now, in my much less hormonally imbalanced brain, I can understand that it was just not how I thought it would be. Simple as that. Lots of things in life are not how we think they are going to be and it's little more than disappointing or frustrating. But the birth of your child is supposed to be the most amazing thing in your whole life! People use words like "Miraculous" and "Beautiful" but the first word that pops into my head is "horrific".

Emotionally I think I had the worst time trying to reconcile the intense love I had for my sweet boy and the fact that I thought of the experience of bringing him here as horrific. I mean, how do the two even belong in the same thought sequence. Love and horror don't mix. I felt like that somehow made me a bad mother for a long time and I really did get angry at the situation and myself for feeling the way I did.

The thing I needed to realize is that each labor in the history of mankind (and there's been a LOT of them) has been unique. No two labors are ever the same because each woman will experience it differently. Just because my experience wasn't great didn't mean I can't love the crap outta my little man!

And in the end? Loving that little man is ALL that matters!

My Journey to Mommyhood: I'm Here!!

My Journey to Mommyhood: The Birth (Warning: No Detail spared)

I was talking to a lady (@NurturedChild) on Twitter a few months back and she suggested that writing my 'Birth Story' would be a good way to deal with the emotional angst I had towards the experience. I have been thinking about doing so ever since but I couldn't figure out where to start. Then I realized I needed to start at the beginning so here we are. See My Journey to Mommyhood: Trying to Conceive , My Journey to Mommyhood: The Test I Had to Pass and My Journey to Mommyhood: Pregnancy to read from the start.

This is where it's going to get really hard for me. I feel I should issue a disclaimer here that my husband is a very caring supportive man (in his own way, which sometimes doesn't line up with my expectations). He loves me more than even I can comprehend and this post is in NO WAY meant to demean that. I just have to be true to this process and in doing so hopefully heal some of the hurt and anger I have towards my experience. In order to do that fully I have to be completely honest about my feelings and how I felt then in those moments.

So as you know we entered the final days of my pregnancy without any hope of having our family with us. We had opted against a Doula because it hurt D's feelings and we wanted to share our experience just between the two of us. I was okay with this going in but had a lot of fear about making the wrong choice. Even so, I felt prepared and ready after having attended all of our prenatal classes and touring the hospital. I felt comfortable there in the rooms where we would welcome our baby into the world.

I should probably mention before I get started that everybody thought we were having a girl. We did a baby pool both at work and with our families and the guesses were probably 90-95% in favor of a girl! This both excited me and terrified me. I always wanted a girl, maybe because I never had a sister, but I didn`t know anything about caring for a girl baby, maybe because I never had a sister!

THE PLAN:

Everybody always asks what the "plan" is when you are having a baby. How would you like things to go if you had your choice. Well for starters I wanted a midwife, or at the very least just about any doctor that wasn't the one I ended up with. OK on to what we can control (yeah right). I knew I didn't want the epidural. I was not opposed to using drugs in general but I have a huge fear of being frozen. Going to the dentist is difficult enough for me I can't imagine not being able to feel the bottom half of my body. The mere thought of this would cause me to have an anxiety attack, and that fact is the only reason my Dr. stopped scoffing at me when I stated the no epi clause in our agreement. Yes I said "stopped" scoffing he actually did the "you don't know what you're talking about cough" when I told him I was opposed to it. I also didn't want to have other things like an episiotomy or the use of the vacuum or forceps if it was possible to avoid them. D's reaction to all this was that I was a bit crazy and he didn't think I could get through it without drugs. I reminded him that I didn't say "No Drugs" I simply didn't want the epi and if the words C-Section came up I may just pass out on the spot. (I've never had surgery or broken bones and this was to be my first hospital stay EVER) So aside from the things I wanted to avoid, I was open to just about anything because really, you can't plan this stuff, it just happens. If I had to give you a picture of what I had envisioned though, it would be like the movies where it's hard but you have somebody there holding your hand and talking you through it, you survive and everybody goes home happy.


What ACTUALLY happened:


I worked my last day on July 5, 2010 as planned. I went home as I always do. Following routine I loaded the dishwasher and checked up with my friends and family online. I also went ahead and filled out the online application for my maternity leave. By the time this was all said and done, D was home and having his afternoon nap on the couch (apparently my pregnancy made him really tired). I decided that I would go lay down too so I snuggled up with my feet on his lap, turned down the volume on the tv, and rested my head against the pillow. Then it happened. About 3.2 seconds after I closed my eyes and exactly 5 minutes to 6pm I got a shooting pain through my abdomen and my stomach tightened up. This was NOT Braxton Hicks this was the real deal. My baby was coming I just knew it! I laid there waiting, unable to close my eyes and sleep from excitement. The contractions continued every 10 minutes or so until D woke up about half an hour later. I told him something was different and that I thought we were going to meet our baby soon. He told me "No, it's not time yet". 


We went about making dinner and I began pacing and tidying things around the house. I was anxious and excited and the contractions were stronger but not hindering me at all. I had heard that you should keep moving so I tried my best but looked silly to D who kept shaking his head at me. When dinner was ready we sat down to eat and the contractions STOPPED. I was extremely frustrated. I just knew in my heart that this was IT and they stopped? I began cleaning the dishes and started pacing like a mad fiend trying to get them going again. I tried squatting I tried lunges I tried everything. They just up and disappeared and I was mad but what could I do? I was doing everything we learned in the prenatal classes. When I told D that I'd stalled out he said "Well, I told you, it's not time". It took everything in me not to smack him upside the head with a frying pan. Seriously? I'm exploding with baby and beyond ready to have this over with and you're gonna stand there all smug and say "I told you so"????

Okay I knew I needed to relax, so I suggested we watch a movie. After all it was starting to get late and I really didn't want to be up all night so I told myself it was for the best that I didn't have to do that and could get a good night sleep instead. I should have known I would be back asswards as far as how things are supposed to go and how things were going to go (story of my life much?). 


The contractions started back up and by the time we were ready for bed they were every 5-7 minutes but mostly every 5, so I insisted we go to the hospital to be sure. It was around 10pm I think and D was not pleased because "It's not time yet" and he thought I was being silly. I wasn't trying to be silly, I was in a lot of pain and I knew I couldn't sleep through it and who knows how fast I could go from this to pushing? I was scared of having it at home on the floor with no professionals around. First time mom here! It's not like I know what's going on.


He brought me to the hospital and we had to walk all the way down the block from where we finally found parking. Okay, I waddled, he walked. I couldn't keep up, I felt silly waddling along behind him. We got to L&D and they put me in a room. They came and checked me and called the doctor to make the judgment call on if I should stay. I was excited to be there, I didn't think for a second that they'd send me home, I was in so much pain and definitely in labor they had to keep me. WRONG. We were told that I was only 1cm (same as I was days before at the doctors office) and that they did think I was in labor but there wasn't much they could do for me at that point. They offered to get me something for the pain but I didn't want to be drugged up before it was even time yet. When the nurse left I looked at D with exasperation and wanted to cry and he said "See, not time yet" proudly, while I fought back my tears. He was kind enough to go get the truck and pick me up at the door, maybe because they had confirmed I was in fact in labor? Or maybe he was just having a "nice guy" moment. While he was gone one of the ambulance attendants talked to me about it and she told me I'd 'know' when it was time and that it would be okay. I wanted to scream.


We returned home around 11pm and I tried to snuggle on the couch with D and rest. Things had slowed down since we got to the hospital and I thought I might have a chance of getting some sleep but I really needed to be close to D. I was trying to draw on his strength to get me through and relax me so I could rest. About 5 minutes after laying down the contractions were back on full force and then some. Still only about 5-7 minutes apart though, and we were told to come back when they were 3-5 minutes apart lasting a minute each. I still tried to relax and sleep. I think I did for 20 minutes or so before the contractions took over and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I began to moan and reached for D's hand. Unfortunately he'd fallen asleep and when you wake him up he's grouchy. I figured I'd be better off to let him get his rest so I went down the hall to our room where I tried to get comfy on the bed. 


I spent the next two hours moaning and rocking in bed. The sounds escaped without permission. I found that letting my tummy hang was the most comfortable so I eventually stood up and leaned over my dresser. I'm surprised there's no claw marks in it. At this point I pretty much lost touch with my surroundings. I know both the cats were in the room with me and it was dark and I could hear D snoring in the living room but each time I felt a contraction I just rocked and sobbed until it was over. I wanted to go wake D and tell him it was time but I couldn't bare it if they told us no again so I kept waiting, and rocking, and sobbing. At about 3am I had the presence of mind to realize they were getting faster and tried to time them as best I could. I think it was around 3:30 when D finally woke up and came to our room. I told him it was time to go and he said he didn't think it was but he didn't look as certain as he had the first time. I told him I didn't care I wanted to go NOW.


We left for the hospital and I tried to calm myself but all the sobbing had really done a number on me. I was dropped off at the entrance. I told him would meet him there and he went to go park. I made my way to L&D for the second time and I prayed I wouldn't be sent home. They took one look at me and put me into the room where they check you to see how far along you are. D met me in this room but he'd left all our stuff outside in the truck. He thought we were going home again. I was so frustrated but I couldn't even think about it because another contraction was coming and I was crying again. The nurses asked if I wanted some gas and I agreed to try it. One of them checked me while the other went to get the gas. I was at 3cm. They were letting me stay. I was so relieved I cried some more. The gas arrived and they showed me how to use it. Between the awful taste and the way it made my mouth numb I thought I would be sick and pushed it away. They told me to try a couple more breaths. It would get better if I gave it a chance. It didn't. Pain option one was in the toilet.

We were moved to my labor room quickly and D went out to retrieve our bags. The nurse asked if I would like to try being in the tub and I agreed. Anything to get me to dilate faster and get this over with. I was laying in the warm tub of water when D came back. The contractions got angry while I was in there. They got faster and harder. I told them I felt sick and they brought me a bucket. I laid with my face against the cold tub failing to keep the tears from streaming down my face. I felt something pop, it was just my plug. I don't have any idea how long I was in there for, but it was long enough to warm up the water twice. 

When I got out I felt better like getting out of the water helped. I had a few minutes where I could talk to D and ask him where my purse was. They asked if I wanted something to drink and I realized I was very thirsty. FYI - Orange juice is NOT a good option at this point in time even if it is your favorite. About 30 seconds after that juice hit my stomach it made the trip back out and OJ is a little too acidic for that kind of adventure. D held me up while I rid myself of that stupidity, then he helped me to the bed. He was sent to get me ice chips instead and the nurse went about preparing the room with the things they would need. By the time he got back I was clinging to the bed rail for dear life and sobbing again. They offered me a drug that would 'take the edge off'. I agreed and the IV was quickly attached and the drug was given.


I'm not sure exactly when I felt the medicine kick in. I know I was in a lot of pain and that I assumed it wasn't working. Looking back I know that it was but it made my thoughts really 'fuzzy' so I apologize but this is when it gets a little sketchy for me. 


I don't know what time it was. I know I laid on the bed with my arms wrapped around the bucket because I still felt ill and didn't want to give it up. I know D was giving me ice chips and at one point he had the cup swinging against my arm (he's a drummer so everything he does has a beat to it) and I shoved it away telling him to get it off. Apparently my incoherent requests to move it had gone unheard (understood?) and this surprised him. I know the drugs helped me rest a little but I was awake with my eyes closed the whole time. I know that I screamed and cried a LOT. 


The nurse checked me around 6:30am I think and said I was "almost there" and we just had to wait for the doctor. I sobbed some more that it wasn't going to end yet. Knowing MY doctor I'd be waiting till he took his sweet time to have his coffee before coming to my rescue. I think he arrived around 7am and decided he needed to break my water. Apparently it takes quite a while to organize this process because it wasn't until after 7:30am that he actually came in to do it. I remember thinking "No, don't it's going to hurt" and nobody told me that it wouldn't. Nobody told me what to expect it to feel like. The fear choked me when I felt the water balloon inside burst and gush out of me. I clung to the bucket in my arms like it was a teddy bear and screamed.


The next few hours went by in a blur. I guess I wasn't ready yet and we had to do some more waiting for the doctor. They told me not to push. The nurse told me to make that "Bbbb" noise when you blow air through your lips when I felt like I need to push and I tried. I did it so much that my lips were numb. Eventually somebody took my bucket away, maybe because they could see it digging into my arms and forehead where I would later have bruises. I held the bed rail instead. When a contraction would come I would gasp and try to do the 'Bbbb' noise and I found myself clawing my way up the bed, screaming that it wasn't working. Nobody was listening. Once in a while I opened my eyes and could see D sitting beside the bed and the nurse bustling around. I was alone in my head though and the contractions were so strong. I begged for them to let me push I couldn't stop myself anymore "Please", I was so tired. The only thing I heard besides my own screams was the nurse telling me to breath when the contractions started, she sounded like my mom would have if she'd been there.


I don't know what time they told me to start pushing I think it was around 11am but I can't be sure. I tried laying down, sitting up, the squat bar felt right but I was to tired to hold myself up. Nothing was working. I couldn't do it. The doctor came and asked me with his smug attitude if I thought that maybe I wasn't having any success because I was screaming with each contraction. I responded with a not so nice "probably!". Nobody told me if I held in the screaming that it would help.


My phone rang around 11:45am. It was between contractions and I was able to take a moment to laugh that my co-workers were trying to find out why I wasn't at lunch with them. I wished with every ounce of me that I had been. I didn't want to be in the hospital having a baby. I didn't want to be pushing and in pain. I didn't want to be dosed up with this drug that was making everything fuzzy and dull in my brain and doing nothing for my pain. I was exhausted and had nothing left to give, but the baby was still on the inside so as much as I wanted to be somewhere else I wwasn't and this was happening.


The doctor said something to the nurse, she then asked me if I would like to try sitting on the toilet because it might help the baby move into a better position. I got up and D helped me to the bathroom. While I was there I pushed three times on the toilet and the baby moved I felt it, we were ready. The nurse told me that she knew I was tired and that they thought they should use the vacuum to help me get the baby out. I didn't want to, I was about to say no but then she said if I couldn't get him out soon I would have to have a C-section. I didn't even think, I just told her we could use the vacuum and D helped me return to the bed.


When we got there, we saw tables of instruments and my heart started to race with fear. My fuzzy brain filled with images of a babies heads being mutilated by the suction and I was sick with guilt. Why wasn't I strong enough to push him out? I looked at D for strength, they must've stopped giving me the drugs because I could see him now, he looked worried. When he opened his mouth to speak I thought 'finally some words of encouragement lets DO this I have to DO this'. What he said was "Did you hear that? They're going to give you a C-section if you don't hurry up". Possibly not his exact words but that's what he said. Why, WHY does everybody seem to think that fear tactics are the only way to get to me? I told him of course I HEARD and to shut up! I took a deep breath and got ready to make this baby move. 


It took 20 minutes roughly to get him out. I remember when he crowned that I learned what pain really is. I remember them frantically trying to get me to HEAR them that I needed to STOP pushing when all I wanted was to be done. Sure why not just leave me stretched as far as possible and tell me to wait; no problem! I was angry and I didn't know why I should stop, but when I looked into the nurses eyes I could see it was for my baby's safety. I stopped, I waited in agony for the next contraction and the okay to go (it seemed like forever really it was probably a matter of seconds). I pushed a few more times and relief flooded my body. I lay back exhausted as a body was flopped onto me. I glanced at the top of a head and my eyes closed and I began to fade into the relaxation of my body.

Then three things happened simultaneously that made me come back to the room. I heard the nurse say "the doctor is going to cut the cord now" (D was supposed to cut the cord unless something went wrong), the baby was lifted off me and taken across the room, and D grabbed my hand. I looked at him and watched as his eyes darted from me to the baby and back to me several times. People were flooding into the room, we could hear them calling the NICU to come assess the baby who still wasn't crying. I had no energy to panic. My brain was racing, which in it's fuzzy state was probably more like a turtles pace, but I managed to find words. "What is it?" I asked my panic stricken husband. "I think it's a boy!" he exclaimed in an unsure whisper. I then began reassuring him it would be fine, but that if baby had to go to the NICU then he had to go with him and I would follow when I could. He refused, eyes darting back and forth from me to the babe like he was questioning who should have his loyalty. I squeezed his hand and got his attention and told him he was going and I would be fine! Almost on that command from my heart to his I heard my baby cry. It was like he was singing to us "La-Laaaa-LA".


Finally a nurse explained that he'd been breathing funny at first but that he seemed fine now and he could stay with us but they would monitor him over the next couple days to be sure. Then the Dr. came to deliver the placenta and began fixing me up. I was poked with a needle where no needle should ever go so I would be numb as the Dr. stitched up my small tear. He asked if I could feel it but when he got to the last few stitches and I told him I could feel it now and began to cry, he proceeded to stitch until he was done with no care at all that I wasn't numb in that spot. I was left alone after that. The room cleared out and I saw D carrying our little boy around. He brought him over to show me and he was so perfect. I was just too tired to enjoy him though and lay back closing my eyes. 

My little CBear 7lbs 5oz July 6, 2010 12:19pm

I didn't get any rest though, we were moved to a new room and I was hooked up to an IV to help stop the bleeding. Did you know that redheads bleed more? Wish somebody had told me that before hand, would've saved me from thinking I was dying when I witnessed massive clots coming out of me. We were left alone for awhile and D laid down to rest. I can't blame him but as I lay there holding my sweet boy and listening to D snore, I was jealous. I was also peaceful. I sat there for a long time staring at my baby, taking in every detail and setting them to memory. I couldn't get enough. I never will.


D took some pictures in the hospital, something I asked him not to do, but he insisted that he was only taking them of the room. I vowed nobody would ever see this photo and to this day only my mother has. I add it here now only because I think it is part of my healing to let go of the shame. I look like I was in battle, and I was in a way, so I guess there's no reason to hide it anymore.

Our first moments together on the outside

To continue the story: My Journey to Mommyhood: So What's the Big Deal?