My Journey to Mommyhood: Pregnancy

I was talking to a lady (@NurturedChild) on Twitter a few months back and she suggested that writing my 'Birth Story' would be a good way to deal with the emotional angst I had towards the experience. I have been thinking about doing so ever since but I couldn't figure out where to start. Then I realized I needed to start at the beginning so here we are. See My Journey to Mommyhood: Trying to Conceive and My Journey to Mommyhood: The Test I Had to Pass to read from the start.

This is where things went down hill for me emotionally. I was pregnant. The biggest life changing thing I had ever gone through and nobody seemed to 'get' how huge this was for me. I felt alone both in a physical sense, as D and I had moved away from our home years ago to start a life together, and emotionally. I'm good at hiding things though so I don't think anybody really knew how I felt.

Going into this in the first place was hard for me. I've never been that girl who would simply DIE if I never had a baby in my arms, but after a conversation with D before the wedding I knew he wanted kids, and if I wasn't prepared to do that then we were not as well matched as he'd thought. I decided I did want to have kids with him but I still had my reservations. My baby brother is 10 years younger than me and my mom unfortunately went through a lot with postpartum and other health issues, which sort of left me in the position of growing up really fast. He was also a bit of a high needs baby, suffering from colic and just needed a lot of attention. I had a lot of the responsibilities and while I don't begrudge it now, I certainly did then, and it really did turn me off of having kids for a very long time. So being pregnant was really terrifying for me!

What if I make the same mistakes I made when I was growing up with my brother (I realize I was a child but still)? What if I can't handle it? What if I have a breakdown too? What if I hate being a mom as much as I hated being a sister in those moments when he would only sleep if you held him and the only time he wasn't screaming was when he was asleep? I was haunted by these thoughts and more the entire time I carried my baby inside me. I felt like a horrible mother before I even got a chance to start and I didn't want to admit any of this to anybody for fear that they would tell me I was right! So I did what I do best. I bottled it up and kept on swimmin' (in the famous words of Dory).

The first trimester went off without a hitch. We heard the heartbeat for the first time on December 16, 2009. It was amazing and D's eyes lit up when he heard it. Even so he still made jokes about it not being real and I still felt myself doubting the pregnancy myself. We were planning a trip home for Christmas but I was sad that our families wouldn't see my tummy in person because I hadn't "popped" yet. On our way home we were able to pick up a huge haul of supplies. My aunt had passed along all the baby things she had left over and it was almost everything we would need! Financially, I don't think we could have done this without those things and I can't ever thank her enough.

Speaking of financial things. D decided that as well as redoing the room for the baby, we should completely overhaul the kitchen while we were at it. It took over a month of listening to him try to convince me that it was a good idea to just jump into a kitchen renovation before I finally got through to him that it was not feasible to expect to finish it before the baby came, AND do the baby's room, AND pay for it all. This was a HUGE stress to me but it seemed like no matter how much I cried and told him I couldn't handle the stress, he still wanted to do it. I was utterly exhausted by the end of these negotiations; and so began my second trimester.

I decided it was time to tell everybody else that didn't already know. Everybody was excited for us. Everybody except one. The one person in my life who I knew was going to be a problem, one of the reasons I had kept it a secret until I knew for sure I wouldn't be wasting the phone call. Somebody who is supposed to be fundamental in a young girls life was more distant to me than my next door neighbor. Unfortunately, after about 20 minutes of crying, shouting, anger, and the worst anxiety attack I've ever had, I knew that my baby would not have this person in their life. I was hurt. I was angry. But, it was and still is completely out of my control though, so I had to just move on.

On February 9, 2010 we got to see our baby for the first time. I really thought that it would show up dark and empty but when she put the wand to my tummy and a little body popped up on the screen I burst into happy tears. The past months fearing that D was right and I was making it all up had gotten to me. I was relieved and happy and in awe of this perfect little babe inside me. Besides being a bit 'dramatic' this little one didn't want us to know what it was and had it's bottom wedged into my pelvis so far that the lady had to push around to get proper measurements.

Here's our little babe pulling the "Oh woes ME" hand over head move.

The third trimester was also fairly uneventful. In the grand scheme of things I had an easy pregnancy. My Dr. described it as "Gloriously Average" which I would have to agree with (one of the few things we DID agreed on). The last few weeks we got bounced around to another Dr. who was covering for ours to go on vacation. He was the sweetest man and even D really liked him. If babe had decided to come just two days sooner I wouldn't have had to have my ogre Dr. back but such is life.

Honestly I know I have nothing to complain about. There are so many women that I know that have lost their children in the womb, at birth, within the first year, and even later. I'm so lucky to have my little family now and I know that. I'm lucky I wasn't stuck in a bed for any of my pregnancy or have to change my diet for gestational diabetes or any number of other complications that could arise.

So why do I look back and cringe? Because I felt utterly alone. As I said before, family lives far away, D began to distance himself and friends are few here in our new home. We made plans for our mothers to come for the birth but as it got closer it was clearly impossible for either of them to actually make it in time to support me through labor. D wanted to be "the one" in the room with me and I wanted that too, I just didn't think he was up for the task. He's a tough guy, but I knew seeing me in that position would be hard for him and it was (we'll get to that later) & I think that's why he would joke about me faking the pregnancy and about my inability to do things like touch my toes. He would tell me I was being a wussy if I was too tired or sore to do something. No I was not the receiver of back rubs, foot rubs, or ice cream when I had an urge. Nothing really changed in the way he treated me and while I think I understand now it was because he didn't want to see me as frail or breakable, I didn't get it then and it hurt! Like I wasn't special enough to be treated the way women in the movies are treated when they're pregnant, like what I was going through didn't warrant recognition.

I wanted somebody in the room that would treat me that way. I approached him with the ideal of getting a Doula. He was hurt and offended that I didn't believe in him. I didn't want him to think that, I just wanted him to have backup so I wasn't left hanging if he needed to take a break (something I wasn't going to have the luxury of). I canceled our appointment to meet with her and went back to wishing my mother's schedule would change and maybe we could somehow 'know' what day this babe would arrive so she could be there with me. I was stressed, anxious, lonely and I was about to have a baby.

And so we enter into the final days and my birth story. I just want to thank you all for reading. You aren't commenting so I don't know who you are but you've inspired me to continue through this process of healing which I thought about giving up after the first post! So thank you!

This is me on my "due date" July 4, 2010 (per ultrasound, I still stick by my original date because I know when I conceived!)

Continue the story: My Journey to Mommyhood: The Birth

My Journey to Mommyhood: The Test I had to Pass

I was talking to a lady (@NurturedChild) on Twitter a few months back and she suggested that writing my 'Birth Story' would be a good way to deal with the emotional angst I had towards the experience. I have been thinking about doing so ever since but I couldn't figure out where to start. Then I realized I needed to start at the beginning so here we are. See My Journey to Mommyhood: Trying to Conceive to read the story from the start.


As you read in the previous story we tried to get pregnant for 8 months. Really not a long time in the grand scheme of things. I've since met so many ladies that have been trying for years with nothing but a lot of negative pregnancy tests to show for it, and a lot of heart break and loss along the way. I'm happy to say though, that all the lovely mommies in waiting that I met are due to have little ones this year so congratulations to you all!


In any event I was frustrated with the whole process and anybody that knows me, knows I missed the day they were handing out patience! I turned to a method of ovulation prediction called temping. Essentially, you buy a thermometer and you set your alarm clock. Every morning before getting out of bed you take your temperature and mark it down on a graph or input it into a website like Fertility Friend where they do all the tracking for you and even tell you when your predicted ovulation will be! It's a great site and it's free so check it out if you haven't already (and only if you require such assistance of course).


I hate alarm clocks. I hate mornings. I hate beeping. The thermometer beeps. This has to be done everyday, not just weekdays but weekends too. Remember sleeping in when you didn't have to work? Sacrifices we make. The two months I did this was hell. Even D was irritated by the end of it and I vowed that if I wasn't pregnant this time that was it I was done 'trying'.


October 28, 2009

 My temps had been doing something funky that I just knew had to mean something but I tried to stay calm. I decided I would test on the last day of my regular cycle if my temp stayed up (an indication that your period has not started). It was up even higher than the day before which was basically as good as a positive test but I had to know for sure. I took the test. There has to be a better way to do these things! For real!! Why do we not have the technology to find out we are pregnant without risking pee on our hands? I washed up, then I went to eat my breakfast. I returned to see two lines and I started bouncing off the walls. Not literally, nobody wants to see D that early in the morning especially when you're the reason he's up! I continued getting ready and set out D's lunch for him as I always do and put the test beside it. (Yes I cleaned it first! Geeze!)

My gift was met with his token noise of surprise and "What? No way...Really?". I got a few extra hugs and kisses and of course the bouquet you saw in my last post but aside from that, not much of a reaction. That's just my man though, he's rather stoic. We decided we didn't want to live in fear and began telling people, despite the obvious concern that this could be a repeat of the first time. There were some non-local people that we didn't tell until we were sure and that was more for their sake than ours. Basically I decided I didn't want them to have to deal with a loss if there should be one.

We live in an area that doesn't have enough doctors for the population. My first call was to the Midwives, and it would be again should we ever have another, but they were all booked up for July 2010. I called everywhere looking for a doctor that would have me for my prenatal care because my doctor was on her own maternity leave at the time. I finally found one that had space for me. Unfortunately I didn't like him from the second he opened his mouth, he was abrasive at best but what choice did I have? I attended my first appointment with him alone as we didn't expect anything exciting to happen and D had to work. BAD idea. Maybe he missed the ring on my finger or maybe he's just that rude to all his patients, I'll never know.

Now if you recall, October 2009 was when the whole world was starting to freak out over the H1N1 Flu virus. I don't normally get flu shots. I was concerned if I should have one to protect me or not because some were saying only women in their 3rd trimester were safe. Of course this was one of the first things I asked my new doctor. I was fully prepared to get it or not based on what he had to say, should he give me a well thought out argument to convince me. Instead he scoffed at me and essentially told me I was an idiot if I didn't get it. So naturally I went home and did my own research and decided that the case against getting it was stronger than the case for it and opted for washing my hands regularly and keeping my fingers out of my eyes, nose and mouth. I never got sick even when nursing D back to health, and he even had a fever!

So that was the end of that. I was told to come back for the big doctor appointment, when they actually do more than make you pee in a cup and speak with the Dr. at 12 weeks. Can you imagine having miscarried at 5 weeks and being told you would not be seen until 12 weeks? I was shocked. Even after pleading with them and telling them that I had a previous miscarriage they still nonchalantly told me to return in at 12 weeks. I felt like they were saying if I didn't make it to 12 weeks then at least I wasn't wasting their time. So basically for the next 7 weeks I tried to pretend like I wasn't pregnant 'just in case' so that I wouldn't suffer too badly if something should happen. I reminded myself to be calm, eat right, take it easy and everything would be okay. Despite being pretty sure in my heart that everything would be fine I did miss a couple afternoons when the gas pains felt too reminiscent of my cramps and went home to lay down.

D was supportive of my choices even when he didn't exactly agree 100%. I think he's learned by now that if I've set my mind to something that there's not much hope of changing it. He continually tried to lighten the mood by cracking jokes about me faking it and calling me "Fatty" even though I was far from showing yet. Unfortunately all this did was make me anxious and self conscious. He didn't mean it that way, I know he didn't but it still stung every time and the doubt in my mind was interfering with the knowledge in my heart. I promise though, he really is a sweetheart underneath it all but don't tell him I told you!

Because I don't have any pictures from this particular time besides a stick I peed on I will post this more romantic photo of D and I "Trashing the Dress" the month before we got the good news!

Continue the story: My Journey to Mommyhood: Pregnancy

Canadian Couponing - FREE CHEERIOS

Today only unfortunately! We have our coupon for free cheerios and are heading out this afternoon to pick them up.

Also, I picked up a regular photo album at the dollar store the other day. The kind with the plastic pages you just slide photos into. And I grabbed some paper clips as well. Only a couple bucks and I'm ready to make a coupon binder that won't take up more space than my diaper bag!

Unfortunately the procrastinator in my blood has prevented me from getting them sorted already but I will hopefully have that ready to go for pictures next week and I can show you what I did.

I really didn't find any other great deals this week. I apologize for my slacking but I've been focused on going back to work in a couple of weeks and am trying to get organized for that. I simply didn't have the time to do real digging and calculations and the flyers were a little boring this week.

Here's hoping the postal strike doesn't last too much longer either! The coupon mini-train (I say mini because we have only two people on it haha) is unable to continue at this point. All the coupons are going to expire before they can move on at this rate! That and I can't get any of the ones I've been ordering off those wonderful sites I posted before. BOOO.

Happy Shopping and hopefully we'll have some deals to post about next week along with an organized coupon binder!

My Journey to Mommyhood: Trying to conceive

I was talking to a lady (@NurturedChild) on Twitter a few months back and she suggested that writing my 'Birth Story' would be a good way to deal with the emotional angst I had towards the experience. I have been thinking about doing so ever since but I couldn't figure out where to start. Then I realized I needed to start at the beginning so here we are.

February 14, 2009.

We had been discussing our plans to have children but hadn't decided to start trying yet. My husband (D) returned home from work with a bouquet of flowers and the card said "Lets make a baby". Conveniently my last pill had been taken that morning and so I just didn't open another package. We were officially trying and I was hopefully going to get pregnant very soon!

I knew that it could take awhile and wasn't expecting it to happen right away but to our surprise it DID. I got pregnant on the first cycle. We found out on St. Patrick's Day and D made me green eggs and ham to celebrate. Life was racing at a whirlwind pace and all of a sudden our plans were kicked into high gear. We were super excited; it just didn't seem real.

Then two days later, everything came crashing down around us. I was having a miscarriage. We went to the hospital. They did an exam and told me what I already knew and didn't want to believe. I was losing the baby I'd only had for a couple of days. There was nothing we could do but wait. They ordered blood tests to ensure the HCG was decreasing as it should and sent me to my Dr for the rest of my care. I was poked in the arm three times that week and examined again by my doctor. More than anything I felt humiliated at the invasion of my body and for nothing! There would be no reward at the end of this torture.

Less than a week later, after the worst 'menstrual' cramps I've ever had, I began to feel an odd pinch on my left side. I returned to the hospital because I couldn't get into the Dr on such short notice. They examined me again. I was told that they weren't sure what it was but that they weren't too concerned. I had an ultrasound scheduled for the next day as a precaution to ensure my body had expelled everything it should have so they told me to keep that appointment and see my Dr if I had any further issues.

When you go to the ultrasound after a miscarriage, you have to drink all the water and dance around like you're going to explode as you would if you were pregnant. The only difference is they don't let you see the screen. There's nothing there to see. The nice lady actually did two different kinds of ultra sounds. The normal one you see on the movies, and an internal one which helps them see things a bit better when they are looking at nothing. And by nothing I mean an empty womb. Not sure why they make you go through the pain of a full bladder when you don't need that for the internal ultrasound which gives them more of what they need to see but hey, I'm not a professional. Let the humiliation and invasions continue! I was told to wait while the analyst checked the images.

When the lady returned she scared the ever loving snot out of me and told me to go straight to my doctor's office. Do not pass GO do not collect $200 just get your butt over to the Dr. NOW!! I went. I was told that she couldn't see me for another 2 hours could I come back then. Sure, I only have a job I've been away from all morning already and I am still recovering from the heart attack at the ultrasound but hey no worries! I returned in a couple hours to find out that she was sending me to a gynecologist.  Apparently I had a cyst on my ovary and it was pretty big (big enough I could feel it moving around and "pinching") so I might have to have it removed and it could be pretty dangerous if it was to get any bigger.

A couple days later I was in the gynecologists office with my pants down AGAIN - have you been counting? That's 5 times in a week and a half roughly? He told me what I already knew. I had a cyst. It was big. It would likely NOT go away on it's own but there was a medication I could try to reduce it, otherwise I would have to have surgery.

Awesome. So when exactly am I going to be able to get past this and get on with creating my baby? A baby who will stick around this time? OH that's right, nobody will give me a straight answer! The Dr says right away if we want to. The Gynecologist says no way for at least 3 months but he'd rather see us go 6 and even goes so far as to try to scare me by telling me horror stories of women and multiple miscarriages because they don't wait. Well thanks cuz I wasn't already scared that might happen!

I left the gynecologist feeling like he didn't really care about ME. Like I was just a case squished into a busy day of cases. Just another thing to do. I felt like he really just wanted to schedule the surgery so he could stop wasting his time with me. When I got home with my prescription, the one that's supposed to help the cyst go away, I read the pamphlet that came with it as I always do. WARNING: Do not get pregnant for at least 3 months after taking this medication, severe birth defects could occur. I then felt like he was trying to sabotage me and my baby making choices.

So I did what I always do in these circumstances. I researched. I read everything I could on cysts and the kind I had (Corpus Luteum) and learned that it is a natural part of your cycle. This cyst develops in order to nourish the egg until after it implants and the placenta is developed. OK so that part didn't happen for me because I lost the baby. My body is just confused! It has a baby, it doesn't have a baby, it's just lost. So I made a choice. I chose not to take the pills. I chose to let my body figure things out on its own and heal itself.

When I went back to the gynecologist for my follow up a month later he read me the riot act when I told him I hadn't taken them. He was actually MAD at me. I might've gotten upset or worried but I knew something he didn't. I couldn't feel that cyst anymore. He did another ultrasound and confirmed what I already knew in my heart. The cyst was gone. Completely. He lost his smug attitude right quick and wished me the best of luck as I left his office and I've never looked back.

It took 8 months in total to conceive a "sticky bean" in which time I met some amazing women through the What to Expect When You're Expecting website. It's an great place where you can ask questions and talk to other women who've been through loss, trying to conceive and everything else to do with becoming a mommy (or a daddy, they have a section for the men too).

Through everything D was there with me, holding my metaphorical hand. We tend to deal with things separately (something I wish we could change) and that might be why I talk about 'me' and 'my baby' also because this is from my perspective and I don't speak for him. We were both really excited though, when we found out we had another bun in the oven.

My husband can be a real sweetheart when he wants to be. This is the bouquet he had delivered to me at work (we hadn't told anybody yet haha OOPS) when we heard the good news the second time around. The card is a "Congratulations on your baby" card and it says "Just a Little Something".

Continue the story: My Journey to Mommyhood: The Test I Had to Pass

Father's Day Special

Dear Daddy,

Thank you for everything you do. For making my room so very special just for me. Thank you for the snuggles and kisses and bath time fun. Thank you for taking care of mommy when she's tired, so she can take care of me so well. Thank you for making yummy dinners for us and for working so hard at work so I can have nice things.

I know I'm too small now to run and play and catch a ball, but I'm growing fast and I can't wait to learn and play with you Daddy. One day you can teach me all about the big black car that makes the monster noises, and how to cook, and build things too.

I love you Daddy! Thank you for being YOU!
Happy Father's Day.

Well I feel all special

It seems I have a few regulars who check daily to see if I have posted anything. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. So I wanted to say THANKYOU to whoever you are and tell you not to be strangers! I'd love to 'meet' you and know what brings you back each day!

I don't have any fantastic deals for you this week as the flyers seem to be a little on the dull side (at least for the things I need) but I did purchase two Febreeze on the Go's at Walmart which were $1.97 each and I had a coupon for $3 off when you buy two. Yes that's right two for $.94!! I am not a great lover of the product because the strong smells give me migraines but since my darling husband was so kind to fall asleep holding a not so empty beer can, I was in need of something to take the bar odor out of my couch.

Also an update on the telephone company and their antics. After receiving 14 calls in a single week I finally picked up the phone and let them have it! I told them to stop calling me, I wasn't interested and to leave me alone! They called back an hour later to try again. I had a mild flip out possibly burning this mans ears with the fire breathing dragon routine and haven't heard from them since.

Those are my updates for now. Thank you again for following along. Stay tuned for a Father's Day post as well as My Journey to Becoming "Mommy". I leave you now with all the hopes and dreams of Canucks fans as we cheer our boys into victory tomorrow!!! Go Canucks Go! Bring it Home!!

Where has the trust gone?

Remember when things were simple? When people didn't lock their doors, and kids played outside by themselves as long as they could hear mom calling them for dinner? When you paid the neighbor kid to run to the store for you and people trusted each other

Granted some of that was not in MY lifetime but I do remember stories about such things even as recently as my parents lifetimes. Things are so different now. We don't leave anything unlocked for fear or theft or home invasions. Children aren't allowed out of the front yard without supervision for fear they'll get taken or worse. You drive to the corner store before you give some random kid money to go there for you (see above: not allowed to leave front yard anyways). And nobody trusts anybody anymore because when we do put our faith in the greater good of human kind most of us get bitten and torn to pieces.

It's a sad state of affairs really. I used to be the girl that had blind faith in everyone around me. Nobody wants to hurt me, I'm kind to everybody why would anybody want to do something bad to me? Maybe it's happened enough now that I know better. Or maybe I watch too much tv, or the news. Maybe it's that I have a baby and that mother bear instinct has taken root and taken me to a place of 'protect at all costs' even when no protection is necessary. I'm wary of everything and everybody.

This afternoon my son and I were at the food court of our local mall enjoying a snack before we continued our walk. There was a young man there, and to be honest he caught my eye before I even sat down. He seemed to be quite upset and he was sitting alone with his face in his hands. I almost went over to him. That nurturing mother inside me wanted to give him a giant hug and tell him that everything would be okay. The other voice, the mother bear voice, told me to sit and wait first. So we did and within seconds I saw something play out in front of me that I simply couldn't walk away from without doing 'something'.

There were two little old ladies sitting at the table next to this boy. They were just getting up to leave as I was sitting down. He stopped one of them and asked the time and the other lady noticed, as I had, the red face and wet cheeks of this poor young man and asked him if he was okay. He shook his head no and thanked them for the time, rubbing his eyes to emphasize the crying (or maybe just to get the tears out?). They both sat back down and asked him again what was wrong. I couldn't hear all of the conversation but it became evident that this boy had been through the ringer and was now giving them the never ending saga of his life.

At first I thought, "oh good, somebody is going to help him", but when I heard the words 'hungry' and 'no money', I began to worry there was something else going on. He was laying it on pretty thick and all of a sudden that mother bear inside me turned on him. I suddenly wanted to wrap my arms around these sweet little grandmas and escort them away from the big bad wolf. One of the ladies got up and went off to order him something to eat leaving the other poor defenseless woman to stay there by herself. It was smart of her to purchase the food rather than to give him money, and if it had been me that's what I would have done.

Then I heard the words "get home to mom" and saw him show this lady the vast, gaping, empty hole that was his wallet. I couldn't decide what to do and didn't want to have to leave them alone to go find security. The universe was co-operating though and I saw one of the ladies that cleans the trays in the food court by the garbage cans. I stopped her quickly to ask her what she thought we should do. She informed me that she'd seen him there before and pointed out her supervisor, instructing me to talk to him about it. I did just that and he went to go check it out.

I left at that point so I have no idea how it all turned out. I told the supervisor that I was concerned that this boy may in fact actually NEED help but that I was also worried about these ladies. I had images in my head of him asking for a ride somewhere and stealing their purses and car once he got them out of the public eye (and god knows what else). 

It saddens me that I was so quick to jump to the conclusion that he was some kind of monster. He is somebody's son after all. I hope he wasn't and that he does find the help he needs. I'm not sorry for what I did though. I trusted my gut instincts and while I'll never know if they were right or wrong, I may have just saved a couple of old ladies today, and maybe I saved a young man from doing something awful or by bringing more attention to his cause.